Thursday, April 15, 2004


I am going crazy. Our tiny ass apartment is driving me absolutely insane. We are going to meet with the new landlord after work to discuss the possibility of moving into a two bedroom unit here... though I've seen the transfer policies and I have a few bones to pick with him about it. For instance, why should we have to repay the security deposit and pet deposit when we've lived there for a year? There is no damage, and I would think as an aside that they would waive those fees for residents who wish to stay but want to upgrade. Especially residents who haven't been there long enough to trash the place. *sigh* I just want more room.

I have been in a funk lately about my weight, and I am not fishing for compliments here, I'm just posting it because this is like a therapy of sorts. I realize that I am basing my self worth on my appearance, and I realize that because I am not happy with certain aspects of my appearance (read: my fucking gut) I deem myself to be disgusting and worth little. I know this is ridiculous. I know that when I eat dinner and become full, that I should not equate that feeling with being fat. I know that I need to stop the self-deprecating comments, particularly around Aaron before he gets tired of it all and slaps me upside the head. I know that I deserve my friends and my family and I deserve to be happy, but for the life of me, when I am not feeling the best about my looks I feel absolutely worthless and ashamed. Its sick, and I'm glad I can recognize the problem, but fuck all if I could just fix it. I also realize I have so much in life to be happy about and believe me I am grateful... it's just, I can't shake this 'problem' I have concerning my weight. Sometimes I hate myself so much, and I stare at myself in the mirror and honestly cannot figure out how Aaron can be remotely attracted to me. Believe me, I know this is a problem. I've been battling this for the last year or so. It was bad when Aaron and I met, but seems to have snowballed out of control since last summer. If it's exhausting for me to analyze every bit of food, every outfit, every angle of how I look, imagine how exhausting it is for him to listen to me verbally bash myself. I am not looking for compliments because really, I'm flattered when I get them, but they don't change how I perceive myself.

I have been doing the weight watchers thing for a few weeks now and I've actually gained 4lbs... heh, isn't that fucking marvelous. (Though I might add, I don't trust the scale I was on, and birthday weekend was an allout calorie fest, so I'm not giving up just yet.) I don't think the whole answer is losing weight either... I accept that I will never be supermodel thin, and I'm ok with that because frankly, I don't want to work that hard. I just want a smaller waist and flatter tummy. Of course, when I was 265lbs and thinking that my life would be perfect if I could just fit into a size 12 pair of pants and have a boyfriend. Yeah, I'm here, and I'm probably more neurotic about my weight than I've EVER been. At least when I was heavier I was in denial and it didn't rule my world... well, maybe it did, to be honest I don't really remember. All I know now is I am constantly trying to figure out a way around this problem.

I honestly think this would still be an issue no matter if I was a size 6. I am concerned enough that I want to fix it now, and learn to deal with it rather than keep up the drama and push Aaron away, and possibly pass my idiotic thoughts onto my future children. ARg. Thanks for listening.

Enough of that, how about more bday pics....

Aaron and Dwayne

I like this picture

Matt's got that twinkle in his eye

Me: "Chandra, that dude is totally checking out your butt!"

Lori gets the 4-1-1

Lemme Go Or I'll Lay Down...

I warned him


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