Wednesday, July 16, 2003


I'm actually in a pretty decent mood today, I just feel the need to bitch about a few things... first I must thank the good Lord because a certain satchel bastard is out of the office today. Woohoo! At least that's the rumor I heard. With my luck I'll go into the office, and he'll show up late, but still show up. Let's keep our fingers crossed.

Ok, more ass tasting fruit... this morning it is the red Delicious apple... how can something so shiny and red and good looking taste so fucking awful? It does! Taste like ass! Red fruits suck right now!

I made a 200 dollar payment to my dentist... which leaves me with a balance of like 166 bucks... UNTIL I go back to have the permanent crowns put on in August.... which the cost of those is 1800 bucks. I'll only have to pay half... oh only? wow... that's so fucking rad, only almost a thousand bucks for two fucking teeth. ARG.

My eyes are getting worse, I squint constantly. I get headaches when I read... my insurance plan does not have vision, but it does ironically have one free eye exam per year. Wow... I want to know what idiot over at Regence put that plan together. Since I don't have vision, what happens if I get eye cancer? What happens when I go in for that pointless appointment to have my vision checked and they find I have damage to my cornea or failing vision.... "Well ms. Polenske I see that you not only are nearsighted in your left eye, but your right eye has astigmatism, and you are slowly going blind... a pair of glasses would be best, but since Regence is your provider and is completely screwing you, I guess you'll just have to be satisfied knowing that your eyesight is failing miserably and there is nothing you can do about it... unless you want to pay retail for your glasses, in which case it'll cost you roughly too much fucking money. But hey, that's only if you want semi stylish frames. I can get you into a pair of the ugliest pieces of shit you've ever laid eyes on for about 20 bucks less." Arg. The kicker is, my insurance plan actually isn't that bad, it's pretty decent by comparison... but it doesn't have the one thing I want. At least I have dental... even though it's still costing me an arm and a leg.


Man, I have been craving... CRAVING a Starbucks Mocha Frappucino like you wouldn't believe. This morning I'm not only craving that but cookies too... you know it seems no matter how long I roam the aisles of the grocery store, I can't find that perfect food... the food that is low cal, no fat and tastes like heaven... it just doesn't exist. I weighed 170 at the gym last night. a pound... how the fuck did I gain a pound overnight. It must be because I was working out my muscles pretty hard, and muscle weighs more than fat... I guess. Somedays weight loss seems so easy, and other days I feel like I am standing on a ledge ... and gaining a pound is all it's gonna take to push me right over. Part of me doesn't care if I weigh 170 forever... as long as I firm up and tone down.... meaning, don't have quite the squishy midsection I have now... and the other part of me screams 'FUCK THAT! I WANT TO WEIGH UNDER 150 FUCKING POUNDS!!!" Why is it so fucking difficult? I work my ass off at the gym, I eat like a goddamn rabbit... if it ain't a fruit or a vegetable then it's unlikely I'm eating much of it... I drink--no shit--- a gallon of water plus a day. For breakfast I have a banana or other fruit. I have a v-8 when I am feeling hungry mid morning. For lunch, it's something with protein. Lately it's been eggbeaters and onion with salsa. Sometimes though it's a boca burger on wheat bread, and occasionally a veggie sandwich on wheat. Then I go work out right after work, I do 3 miles minimum on the treadmill... usually it's over 3 miles, because I stay on for 45 minutes and often sprint and walk fast... but regardless, on my slowest days it's a 3 mile minimum. Then I go spend 15 minutes in hell on the elyptical machine... which is kind of like a cross between running and cross country skiing. (it's like low impact running, it glides) By the time I am done there, I have burned around 500 calories (usually a little more; but right around 500) according to the machines. From there I usually go to the mats and do my ab excercises. I am doing 300 reps a day... a total of 9 sets of different situps. I start with 50 regular crunches, take a breath, then do 50 with my legs crossed indian style. Then I do the leg lifts where you lay on your back and lift them together up and bring them down slowly; it works not only your lower stomach but your thighs as well. I do 25 of those, then do the elbow to the opposite knee crunches (a set of 30 on both sides). I take a breath, and then twist my lower body to one side, while keeping the upper body flat, and do a set of 30 of those on both sides. Follow that with 25 more leg lifts and a set of 30 crunches with my feet in the air and I am done. It usually takes me about 15 minutes to do 300, but somedays it's longer. By the time I leave the gym I am soaked and tired and usually feeling pretty good. You would think the weight would just be flying off of me, but it isn't. I go home after that, and jump in the shower. I then cut up some onion and a hard boiled egg and add those to my salad, which I have with a diet cherry coke... my one vice I.WILL.NOT.GIVE.UP. I don't think one can of pop amongst a gallon or more of water a day is that bad. On the days the hunger is unbearable (though I think my stomach is shrinking, so it's actually not too bad) I will have a mott's cinnamon applesauce cup, or some soy crisps... which are healthy, but make me feel guilty. I know I'm obsessing here, and I know it's probably boring to read this, but I thought writing it all out might help me see where I am going wrong... and I don't see it... arg.

I had a really awesome phone conversation yesterday. An old friend called me and we ended up talking for almost an hour. I never do that anymore; it was really nice. I've known this girl since the 7th or 8th grade, but we really became good friends in high school. Anyway, our lives went on, and we stay in touch; but rarely do we find ourselves on the phone... usually it's emails or getting together with other girlfriends for lunch... but we had a great time chatting last night and I realized how much I miss talking to her. We are experiencing the same thing when it comes to careers and decisions etc... and it's nice to know it's not something that's unheard of... I tend to view people with college degrees as having a leg up when it comes to life in if they are leading a charmed life... you know? (I think it's that whole 'the grass is greener on the other side' notion), especially since I am going through the process to attain a degree and I view people who've already done it as LUCKY! Anyway, it's comforting to know that feeling restless and unsure about career choices isn't just something I am going through. Plus it was just awesome to reconnect. :-)

Well, I think I've jabbered on long enough, no pics today; as I don't really have any new ones. have a great day!


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