Monday, March 31, 2003


Signs that it's going to be 'one of those days'...

* I got pretty much no sleep last night. I could not ... absolutely could not get comfortable. Too hot, too cold, too light, too dark, pillow too flat, pillow too fluffy, right arm is asleep, left arm is asleep, radio is too low, radio is too loud, socks on, socks off, back itches, have to pee, face itches, coughing jag, thirsty, get water, water too warm, get ice, leg itches, wierd noise outside, radio turns itself off, can't find radio remote, get up and turn radio back on, too hot, open window, foot itches, nose is cold, feet are cold, shut window, lay down, have to pee again, go pee, lay down, pillow is too flat... and so on.

* I get up at 6:30, I hit the snooze because I somehow managed to drift into a deep sleep between 4:30am and when my alarm went off at 6:30 am, and when I heard the shower running, I was reminded that Lori must be starting school today, so I figured she wouldn't be out of the shower until about 6:45 anyway... NEVER MIND that just because her schedule changes, she has to throw mine completely off... as irritated as I was, that early in the morning is never the right time to broach the subject of her getting up a smidge earlier so not to impede on anyone else. Neither one of us is bound to be in a mood of courtesy... though when I went to dry my hair A HALF A FUCKING HOUR LATER, assuming of course since she had been out of the shower quite some time by that point, and must have dried her hair already, you can imagine how pleased I was when I blew a fuse because she was indeed just starting to dry her hair AFTER I started drying mine.

* I can't form a coherent thought to save my fucking soul this morning, and keep hitting the wrong keys, as well as just mispelling all sorts of shit. I have hit the backspace key about 20 times in this entry alone so far.

* I am so frustrated at life in general I am about two seconds away from going and buying a bag of m and m's...and that is not the path I am trying to take... I am at a loss of almost 85 lbs and was hoping to reach 90lbs by my birthday... April 11th, and m and m's in addition to the cake I had last night are not going to help. At this point do I really fucking care? Not so much. I am going to get those m and m's and I'm going to enjoy them. I'll be right back.


I'm back, and I should note that I also got a nonfat Iced mocha... I'm sure the last thing my lovely attitude needs is caffeine, but you never know.

I hate the blue m and m's... did you know that? I am not crazy about the red ones either. I eat both colors, but am not thrilled by their mere presence in the bag. I picked up a bag this weekend, and was delighted however, to find purple m and m's in the bag...and I must say I like the pink ones too. Hey, whatever happened to the light brown ones? I remember there used to be light brown ones as well as dark brown ones, but now there are just the dark. When I was in Vegas last May, we visited the M and M's store and you would be amazed at how many colors there are there. You can get gray ones. GRAY ONES. Gray m and m's... of course to get the specialty colors you had to fork over like 10 bucks a pound, but still. Hmmmm. . . God, where is this diatribe going?

back to my list...

*I am so ready to move out of my parent's house, it's unbelievable. The months of April and May are either going to wear me down to a blubbering mass of self destruction or I'll resemble that postal worker who ... went postal... well, you get my point. It's not because I hate my family or anything like that, I am just BEYOND READY. I am packed up and waiting to move, and that's part of the problem. I wanted a red rice and egg burrito yesterday. I didn't buy eggs, because in my entire life I can think of only two times we have not had a generous supply of eggs in our refrigerator and yesterday was one of them. Of course I didn't realize this until I was almost done with the rice, and had the frying pan out and heating up ready to scramble an egg... "Uh, where are the eggs?" I say shakily, " we're out" is the non chalant answer my mom provides. "What. Do. You. Mean. WE'RE OUT?" I can barely contain my contempt. "I mean, we are out..." my mom says almost in a puzzled obvious, like I'm crazy tone... to which I reply in my loudest voice "GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO MOVE OUT OF THIS FUCKING HOUSE!" All of a sudden the room was silent. I tried to fix things a bit by back tracking and repeating the phrase "I'm not mad at you, I'm just frustrated" to which my mom calmly replied "I know, I want you to move out too." She didn't say it in a rude way at all, just a sympathetic way. Then this morning, when the whole hair drying episode went down, I said to noone in particular as I was resetting the fuse box "YET ANOTHER REASON WHY I CAN'T FUCKING WAIT TO MOVE OUT." Cut to Aaron and I in the kitchen on our way out the door; I was looking for a tupperware dish of a certain size and a lid that corresponded to it... and I was not having much luck. I was slamming things around, trying different lids on the dish I picked and was getting more and more pissed off with each one that didn't fit. I looked at Aaron and said "SEE? Another example of why I can't FUCKING WAIT TO MOVE OUT." As if tupperware is really a motivational force for me to move. Poor Aaron...he's got a psycho girlfriend. My dad, who by nature is pretty happy go lucky in the morning, which alone is irrititating to the likes of me, who would rather not be spoken to until I've been up for a few hours, tells me I need to chill out. I stop what I'm doing and look up at him, and glare as if to say who dareth speak in my presence... I make eye contact and say in the voice of a true ice queen "that's funny, I didn't ask for your advice." To which he responded "Chill out before I slip you a quaalude." I responded with the most mature of whatevers and left. I am just impatient, and ready to have my own stuff, and tired of waiting. I know that it's a necessary evil to wait, but I don't want to. I am so beyond the point of patience and 'good things come to those who wait' that it's going to kill me to wait much longer. The stress I am putting on myself is ridiculous, which also makes me worry about the onset of paranoid schizophrenia... I am in the age group where early adult onset occurs... I know a lot of it is probably hereditary but I think stress can bring it on too. You know, I never would have worried about it before I saw that hideous tv movie about it starring Diana Ross. I just remember she got it as a college student, and eventually the drugs she took for it made her drool. I can't be drooling. It would mess up my look.

I feel guilty for those m and m's. not the coffee... that was NONFAT... but the m and m's just might push me over the proverbial edge today.

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