Monday, March 31, 2003


Signs that it's going to be 'one of those days'...

* I got pretty much no sleep last night. I could not ... absolutely could not get comfortable. Too hot, too cold, too light, too dark, pillow too flat, pillow too fluffy, right arm is asleep, left arm is asleep, radio is too low, radio is too loud, socks on, socks off, back itches, have to pee, face itches, coughing jag, thirsty, get water, water too warm, get ice, leg itches, wierd noise outside, radio turns itself off, can't find radio remote, get up and turn radio back on, too hot, open window, foot itches, nose is cold, feet are cold, shut window, lay down, have to pee again, go pee, lay down, pillow is too flat... and so on.

* I get up at 6:30, I hit the snooze because I somehow managed to drift into a deep sleep between 4:30am and when my alarm went off at 6:30 am, and when I heard the shower running, I was reminded that Lori must be starting school today, so I figured she wouldn't be out of the shower until about 6:45 anyway... NEVER MIND that just because her schedule changes, she has to throw mine completely off... as irritated as I was, that early in the morning is never the right time to broach the subject of her getting up a smidge earlier so not to impede on anyone else. Neither one of us is bound to be in a mood of courtesy... though when I went to dry my hair A HALF A FUCKING HOUR LATER, assuming of course since she had been out of the shower quite some time by that point, and must have dried her hair already, you can imagine how pleased I was when I blew a fuse because she was indeed just starting to dry her hair AFTER I started drying mine.

* I can't form a coherent thought to save my fucking soul this morning, and keep hitting the wrong keys, as well as just mispelling all sorts of shit. I have hit the backspace key about 20 times in this entry alone so far.

* I am so frustrated at life in general I am about two seconds away from going and buying a bag of m and m's...and that is not the path I am trying to take... I am at a loss of almost 85 lbs and was hoping to reach 90lbs by my birthday... April 11th, and m and m's in addition to the cake I had last night are not going to help. At this point do I really fucking care? Not so much. I am going to get those m and m's and I'm going to enjoy them. I'll be right back.


I'm back, and I should note that I also got a nonfat Iced mocha... I'm sure the last thing my lovely attitude needs is caffeine, but you never know.

I hate the blue m and m's... did you know that? I am not crazy about the red ones either. I eat both colors, but am not thrilled by their mere presence in the bag. I picked up a bag this weekend, and was delighted however, to find purple m and m's in the bag...and I must say I like the pink ones too. Hey, whatever happened to the light brown ones? I remember there used to be light brown ones as well as dark brown ones, but now there are just the dark. When I was in Vegas last May, we visited the M and M's store and you would be amazed at how many colors there are there. You can get gray ones. GRAY ONES. Gray m and m's... of course to get the specialty colors you had to fork over like 10 bucks a pound, but still. Hmmmm. . . God, where is this diatribe going?

back to my list...

*I am so ready to move out of my parent's house, it's unbelievable. The months of April and May are either going to wear me down to a blubbering mass of self destruction or I'll resemble that postal worker who ... went postal... well, you get my point. It's not because I hate my family or anything like that, I am just BEYOND READY. I am packed up and waiting to move, and that's part of the problem. I wanted a red rice and egg burrito yesterday. I didn't buy eggs, because in my entire life I can think of only two times we have not had a generous supply of eggs in our refrigerator and yesterday was one of them. Of course I didn't realize this until I was almost done with the rice, and had the frying pan out and heating up ready to scramble an egg... "Uh, where are the eggs?" I say shakily, " we're out" is the non chalant answer my mom provides. "What. Do. You. Mean. WE'RE OUT?" I can barely contain my contempt. "I mean, we are out..." my mom says almost in a puzzled obvious, like I'm crazy tone... to which I reply in my loudest voice "GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO MOVE OUT OF THIS FUCKING HOUSE!" All of a sudden the room was silent. I tried to fix things a bit by back tracking and repeating the phrase "I'm not mad at you, I'm just frustrated" to which my mom calmly replied "I know, I want you to move out too." She didn't say it in a rude way at all, just a sympathetic way. Then this morning, when the whole hair drying episode went down, I said to noone in particular as I was resetting the fuse box "YET ANOTHER REASON WHY I CAN'T FUCKING WAIT TO MOVE OUT." Cut to Aaron and I in the kitchen on our way out the door; I was looking for a tupperware dish of a certain size and a lid that corresponded to it... and I was not having much luck. I was slamming things around, trying different lids on the dish I picked and was getting more and more pissed off with each one that didn't fit. I looked at Aaron and said "SEE? Another example of why I can't FUCKING WAIT TO MOVE OUT." As if tupperware is really a motivational force for me to move. Poor Aaron...he's got a psycho girlfriend. My dad, who by nature is pretty happy go lucky in the morning, which alone is irrititating to the likes of me, who would rather not be spoken to until I've been up for a few hours, tells me I need to chill out. I stop what I'm doing and look up at him, and glare as if to say who dareth speak in my presence... I make eye contact and say in the voice of a true ice queen "that's funny, I didn't ask for your advice." To which he responded "Chill out before I slip you a quaalude." I responded with the most mature of whatevers and left. I am just impatient, and ready to have my own stuff, and tired of waiting. I know that it's a necessary evil to wait, but I don't want to. I am so beyond the point of patience and 'good things come to those who wait' that it's going to kill me to wait much longer. The stress I am putting on myself is ridiculous, which also makes me worry about the onset of paranoid schizophrenia... I am in the age group where early adult onset occurs... I know a lot of it is probably hereditary but I think stress can bring it on too. You know, I never would have worried about it before I saw that hideous tv movie about it starring Diana Ross. I just remember she got it as a college student, and eventually the drugs she took for it made her drool. I can't be drooling. It would mess up my look.

I feel guilty for those m and m's. not the coffee... that was NONFAT... but the m and m's just might push me over the proverbial edge today.

Thursday, March 27, 2003


Sorry I haven't updated in a few days; have just been inundated with miscellaneous stuff to do. Nothing even that important... just stuff. I am feeling better; still have a cold, but the kind of cold where I am still functioning and wearing makeup. YOU KNOW I'm feeling shitty if I venture out of the house without any makeup. Poor Aaron has caught my cold though, and I suspect when I am over it, he'll pass it on back to me. :-) I catch everything!

So the other day I went home on my lunchbreak, and one of the guys that does repair work, and whatever around the apartments, (I've known him since I was about 7 years old; he's about 10 years older than me I would guess) anyway, he and one of the other guys were carrying something past me when I exited my car, and I said hello and went to walk in the building when I hear him say "Hey, How is your boyfriend Troy?" I stopped and looked, not sure if he was talking to me or not. He was. I said "what?" he continued "Your boyfriend Troy, how is he?" I was perplexed I said, "I have a boyfriend named Aaron... not Troy." He looked at me and said "well have you ever liked a guy named Troy?" Indeed I have, an old boss of mine, I had a teensy weensy... moderately out of control crush on him... but wait, I said "yeah.... how did you know that?" he smirked as they walked away and said "Let's just say you left something in the garbage. Don't worry though I burnt it, I just wanted the blank notebook paper." I was horrified. I have thrown out so much SHIT over the past few months, just from cleaning out my room, packing stuff up and getting ready to move...old notebooks, letters, journals that were filled with more junk that anything else... he had undoubtedly found something I must've doodled on... my God... the stuff that has gone in the trash... I was embarassed, but more than that a little enraged. I felt kinda violated...
So last night when I saw the apartment manager I tell him about it, and he laughs and tells me to get over it. Uh, violation of privacy... ever heard of it? I cannot FRIGGING WAIT to move out.

Speaking of moving out, Aaron and I found out that the chance of us getting this one house we had our eye on is pretty slim...well, more than slim, it's most likely not gonna happen. It sucked for the first ten minutes till I realized that now we don't have to wait for anyone... we were waiting for the lady to vacate so we could meet the owners and rent the place. Turns out she is now paid up and not vacating... so while we LOVED that house... at least now we can start pursuing apartments or other houses, if we get so lucky. Which means, I just freakin might be moved out by the end of May, and that tickles me to no end. So keep your fingers crossed, and send us good thoughts, because we may need em.

FUCK A DUCK I thought it was all new tonight on NBC, and turns out it's damn repeats AGAIN. Man, I hate that! I only even watch ER, and sometimes Friends, and rarely Will and Grace anymore, and the one night I plan on watching all three it's repeats AGAIN.
Arg. Well, that's all for today...

Incidentally, the picture on the front page was taken on Spring Break of 2000, and that's my cousin matt feeding the seagulls. I happened to come across it when I was looking for a file, and thought it'd be cool to post again.

Monday, March 24, 2003


Man. If I wasn't feeling so basically shitty today, I would be giggling to thyself and dancing in thy chair. I am coming down with a cold, am on my 3rd day into it; hopefully will only last a few short days... I've got the runny nose, watery eyes, sore throat, shallow cough... it's great, and a cold sore to boot!

But onto the good stuff... So the jerkoff that I work with came in late today. The beauty of it? Well, remember how I said he put a sign up in his car that said "SUPPORT PRESIDENT BUSH AND OUR TROOPS"? He was at a restaurant this weekend, and when he came out someone had knifed 3 of his tires. His was the only car vandalized, and he is pretty sure it's because of his sign. I just about died laughing when I heard about it. The sweet irony of it all. The only scenario that would have been better is if someone had actually attempted to shove the sign up his ass. But we can't have everything now can we?

Man, I did not get hardly any sleep last night. Just couldn't get comfortable, and when I finally did I was cold or I couldn't breathe, or I just plain couldn't sleep. I hate it when that happens! I spent Friday night and Saturday day painting my room. The Teal and purple is now gone, and there remains a white room... It took three coats, and to be honest, could use a fourth, but I'll worry about that when I sand down the splatter marks when we move.

It's wierd sleeping in a white room now, because before it was so dark. It's wierd how accustomed you can get to the littlest things. Well, I'm off ... don't feel much like writing, but I do feel much like sleeping... talk to you later....

Thursday, March 20, 2003


On one hand this week has absolutely flown by. On the other hand... Isn't it friday YET? I have a bladder infection. Thanks for asking. I'm sure that falls in the category of 'too much fucking information'... but I like to stay in touch with my readers... all 4 or of you. ;-) I'm doing fine actually, just crossing my fingers and hoping that my doctor will call in the prescription rather than having me go all the way downtown... I left a message that said I have finals this afternoon, and don't want to fight the traffic from all the granola eating, non armpit shaving, dread lock wearing anti-war protesters who are roaming the streets of Downtown Seattle as we speak. Don't get me wrong... I am not exactly thinking that this war is the best idea, but seriously... what has protesting... peacefully or otherwise EVER DONE TO STOP AN INTERNATIONAL CONFLICT? Get a life! Get a job! And get your green peace loving ass out of the street and out of my way for the love of God. Fucking up traffic is juvenile and stupid, and anti-productive. (is that a word?) Anyway, who put a long tail on that kite? I am hoping to use the protestors as an excuse of why I don't want to go into her office. Why don't I really want to go you ask (you know you were wondering...) I hate paying 20 bucks to see the doctor plus between 6 and 10 to park. If she won't just call in the prescription I'm going to crack open the yellow pages and find a new doctor with a parking lot. I am not so 'vested' in her that I won't switch. It's not worth it to me...if I worked downtown and could bus it or even walk there it would be one thing, but I don't so I can't and it doesn't do my pocket book any favors to shell out almost 30 bucks plus the cost of the prescription. So, wish me luck.

Well, finals are over. I am on Spring Break from now until the 31st. Whee! I did just fine on my math final, though I think it should be not allowed to put shit on the final that you've never seen before and can only answer with a question mark. I did a comprehensive review of the chapters I was being tested on, and I can assure you that I had never seen two of the problems that were on there. I was like... what the fuck? The one question was :

A=P(1-nr)+3 solve for n.

I must have sat there for what seemed like an eternity trying every possible way to figure that shit out. My answer arrived about 20 minutes later in the form of a big fat question mark and a bead of sweat that dropped down on the paper. Ok, maybe not the bead of sweat, after all, I AM A LADY... but I did jot down a question mark out of frustration and hopelessness. I passed though. That's what counts. I didn't get through enough chapters to get an A or B though, so I took a P, which won't affect my gpa. I am still waiting to see what I got on my philosophy final.

Well, I am off... hope you enjoy the picture of a very perturbed bean on the front page. Ahhh... that was back in my single days... thank God I have Aaron now, or those cats were bound for a wardrobe of crocheted delights.

Tuesday, March 18, 2003


I swear I just saw Ken Griffey Jr... I was leaving Walmart in Renton, and this Maroon toyota Camry... the oldschool boxy looking kind, was sitting next to me, waiting for it's turn to make a left. I was waiting to make a right. I looked over, and I swear the guy driving the car looked exactly like Ken Griffey Jr. So much so, I did a double take, before chiding myself that "I am sure that Ken Griffey Jr does NOT shop at Walmart, and if he does, it's probably the one in Cincinatti, not Renton. I highly doubt he's rollin a maroon Toyota Camry these days either." But still. It looked just like him.

8 Mile is out on dvd today. Oh yeah, you know that's why I was down at Walmart on my lunch break in the first place. Hassle with those crowds after work? You gotta be out of your ever lovin' mind. I stay away from walmart ... ESPECIALLY the auburn and Renton ones... on the weekends and afterwork. It just gets too crazy, too busy, and not worth the time spent in line.

Ok, all this hubub about the dixie chicks is absolutely FUCKING stupid. Who gives a shit if she got up on stage and said whatever she said, she's entitled to her opinion, and she's also entitled to air it. Don't like it? Don't buy a ticket to her show. That's the beauty of being American... I just can't believe all these idiot over zealous patriots (read:country music fans) are boycotting the Dixie Chicks, banning their music and burning cds and memorabilia. She doesn't like Bush. Big FUCKING deal. I am willing to bet 8 out of 10 people you ask on the street probably share some disdain for the man. "She should use her celebrity for good and support the president in this time of possible war" was a quote I heard from a morning dj this morning on the way to work. Well, why hold her to be the only one... there are lots of celebrities who have been a hell of a lot more vocal about their dislike for Bush, and what he stands for... publishing shit on their websites, and talking bad about him in their songs... comedians use him as a punchline all the time... but she's catching heat just because of the fact we are almost at war? Bullshit. This country has been in somewhat of an upheaval since 9.11.01 and I have been to comedy shows by local comics, as well as big names... and the big names have done a lot of Bush Material. Do I see Robin Williams or Janeane Garofalo 's pictures plastered everywhere being called anti american and unpatriotic? These people who are burning Dixie Chicks stuff and boycotting (I've read about most of this stuff mainly occurring in the south) need to go out to their pick up truck, take DOWN THE CONFEDERATE FLAG, put up a real one, and respect that she had an opinion and MOVE ON.

That said, my math final is tomorrow night... I turned in my philosophy final today. Let's all cross our fingers and pray that I pass. NO, I am sure I'll pass... I just need to pass with a good grade. Well, that's all the ranting I can muster up for today.


Monday, March 17, 2003


It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood, a beautiful day to say you would, won't you be mine... won'tyou be mine... ok; enough. I am seriously tired today. So tired. I was in some serious damn pain last night; wouldn't you know it, the tooth the dentist went in to 'numb' until I can come in on the first of April so he can do an all out root canal... is bothering me. It was fine until he went rooting around in there with metal stuff and tools that go zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz... it wasn't bothering me at all, and now I can't bite down on that side without having to be peeled off the ceiling. Last night it just hurt to exist, so I took a couple of pain pills, and that was all she wrote. I was out like a light, and woke up in the 'vicoden' fog this morning. You know the one where you feel like you are waking up from a long winter's nap, and for some reason want to cry, yet are so hungry you would eat the ass out of a rag doll? Yeah... that was me this morning.

I ate some fat free toast and calorie/fat free butter (I can't believe it's not butter spray), and then used Smucker's light, sugar free/fat free jam... 10 cals per tblspoon, no fat or anything else... the label boasts 10 cals and 5 grams of carbs and that is it. I also ate a banana, and now an hour and a half later and starving. I am hoping that's a sign my metabolism is speeding up. I have also already drank one liter of water... and am about a third of the way down on my second one. I was hoping to drop a cool 10-15 lbs before my birthday (4-11) but, I just don't think that's going to happen. Maybe a good 5-7lbs, but we'll see. I was supposed to be on the cabbage soup diet ... but after attempting it yesterday, the first day being all the fruit you can eat... I was so weak by 2pm, I laid down and slept till about 4, and was a hungry, mean grouch to poor Aaron. We got to my house around 5, and I was shaky and nauseated and I made the executive decision that I couldn't do it. I was so hungry, despite the canteloupe, apples and oranges I had consumed. I am just going to do what worked for me last year. Ideally, I need to peel off another 40-50 lbs if I want to be perfect height and weight... I think I would be happy losing another 20-30lbs... but we'll see. I will stop when I feel good about myself... when the self loathing has stopped and I have visible collarbones. Then I'll be happy. hmmm... me... neurotic much?

One of my coworkers is getting a cold. He just got back from Vegas last week... I grilled him about the possibility of him having that flu/pneumonia that people who have traveled by airplane recently are getting. He said that it was only people coming from the East... I hope he's right. To be safe I've already popped two once daily's, and a vitamin c. I am NOT getting sick again. Let the lysol spraying commence.

I had an awesome weekend. Self indulgent to say the least. Saturday Aaron and I took some of his stuff to my storage, in preperation for moving out (HOW EXCITING!) Though we still don't have a date set for that, though I anticipate it will be before the fourth of July. Then we went and looked at several furniture stores to get an idea of what kind of prices to expect and what kind of stuff we like. We followed that up with an early dinner at Red Robin, where I ran into an old friend from high school, that was way cool; haven't seen her in about a year... then we went and rented a few movies and spend the evening and the whole day Sunday just chillin out, watching movies and lounging around in our jammies. It was great. I love lazy weekends.. and they just don't happen often enough. you know?

Thursday, March 13, 2003


I haven't been writing because it's finals time, and like the title says, it sucks ass. But it's a necessary ass sucking, because these are the first of many I will be taking. And that REALLY sucks ass.

I have been in one of my "I'm fat and don't deserve food" moods lately. Ask Aaron, I've been a real peach in the mornings. I can't find a coat that I own, that I like, and won't wear a sweatshirt because I look "like a fat fucking hog" in them, (despite that he says he likes me in sweatshirts) and I won't wear my coat because I look like "two ton tess". He talks about me buying clothes when it gets warmer, to which I reply that I don't deserve clothes, not until I lose some "goddam weight". Poor Aaron...writing this down I see that I am being COMPLETELY high maintenance... something I thought I would never be... but I swear, sometimes I look in the mirror, and am impressed at how far I've come... and other times I am so disgusted I want to kick my own ass for not being as strict as I used to be. I know once it gets nicer out (especially) that I'll be more likely to get my ass up and go back to the gym... it's just hard. With school, and work, and I'm so tired, and I am still getting back to normal after the January of disease... it's been a real tough thing to get back to. But I will... I want a waist, and I want to be in smaller pants and tops. I am not talking size 5 here people... I just want to feel good about myself. That's all.

Enough about that. Have I mentioned I have the best boyfriend in the world? And no, I'm not sucking up; he's awesome. That's the only point I'm making here.

I went down and filled out my rehire packet for safeco field today... am pretty excited about that. You gotta love a job where serving fries pays more than a 'professional' job. I love it. It looks like I am with a lot of people I know already, and that makes me very happy. Anyhoo, gotta get back to the studying, talk to y'all later...

Friday, March 07, 2003


When I went outside this morning, I noticed that it was snowing/raining. Yay! I love snow. I don't particularly enjoy driving in it; so I hope we don't get a ton dumped on us, but there's nothing prettier than snow covered streets and trees.

Have I mentioned that I work with a big fat dickface? Oh yeah... I feel so lucky sometimes. Especially when he waddles his four foot 400lb self up to my desk, twitches his forehead and says something like "you betchy"... that's usually in response to when I call him because one of his customers is standing in front of me "hey dickhead, can you come up to the front" ... "Yyyyooooouuuuu betchy!" is the response. It takes everything I have not to just kick him in the nuts. Seriously... I absolutely 100% CANNOT STAND THE MOTHERFUCKER. He takes advantage of the fact that I am in sales support to make me do things that he is perfectly capable of doing... he is the only salesman here who will rip a ton of shit out of the file cabinet and not put it back. He gives it to me to put back. He refuses to ship anything himself; apparently that's beneath him. While I ship stuff for the other salesmen too; if I am busy with something, they will do it themselves rather than make me drop everything. Dickface expects me to stop whatever I am doing and do what he tells me to. I put my foot down when he wanted me to rip the bottom off of about 500 repair tags, because they had our old company name on them... MIND YOU we had and ENTIRE BOX ... HUNDREDS of repair tags with the correct name on them... he just wants to find shit for me to do. It's not the fact that he needs my help that pisses me off... it's the fact that I all but WIPE HIS ASS AND CUT HIS MEAT ... I'm surprised he hasn't asked me to heat up his fucking lunch yet. I would love that...I do what he asks me to do about 9 and a half times out of ten. There is the occasional time when I am like "um. no." But rarely. I have never in my life worked with someone so jerky and needy. If being his personal assistant paid a million a year, tax free I wouldn't do it. Not only that, but if he asks for something, and I am in the middle of something, sometimes I'll actually make him wait until I am done, and I'll get bugged about it up until the time I am so irritated with him, I am ready to shove whatever it is he needed up his ass sideways. He has no concept of waiting his turn. And usually; if he has to wait, it's not longer than an hour. Usually its for something asinine like labels or to ship something out... God forbid I don't jump to attention when he needs something shipped; otherwise I'll get asked about it and reminded all the way up until I am actually taking care of it. Never mind the fact that I have until 2:15 pm to get stuff ready to be shipped. If he sets it out at 9, I am haranged (sp?) every half hour till I snap and tell him to chill the fuck out. Ok... I have never actually uttered those words... THOUGH I'M DYING TO. I have told him that it will get done, so just relax. Anyway, what brought all this on is the fact that I found out he was complaining about me this morning... WHAT THE FUCK? I do everything I am asked to do for him, I don't give him a hard time, and in fact it's been a while since we really had a problem... we've had moments, but nothing more. And by moments I mean him being his usual pig dick self, and me seething inward and silently cursing his name as he walks away. I still take care of his shit. And without complaining. That doesn't change the fact that I praise God every time he has to take time off. Me and the other guys do the happy dance and give thanks on those rare occasions.

Anyway...enough bitching.

Today, Aaron and I have been together 3 months. I can't believe it's only been 3 short months.. so much has happened, and I feel like he's been in my life forever. We are going to our favorite lunch spot today, and are celebrating his birthday with his family and friends this weekend. Hopefully I'll have pictures to post next week. :-)


Thursday, March 06, 2003


I really hate that I am so freakin sensitive sometimes. I can't even help it; sometimes I take things so personally it takes a long time to recover. Even while at the same time I am cursing myself for being too sensitive... I think I am getting a little bit better; the older I get, but sometimes the simplest of jokes sting worse than an insult. But it doesn't have to be a joke... can be a statement or reaction to something I say; and sometimes it cuts like a knife. And I just shut down. I hate that. I don't know how to fix it.

Anyway, onto better things.... Air Supply is coming to the Emerald Queen Casino at the End of May and I so want to go... too bad I'm broke as a joke, and tix go on sale monday.

Tuesday, March 04, 2003


I wanted to write a message yesterday so I could see the date as above... and know what was going on on that day... but after looking in the archives, I see that I didn't enter anything last year on 02.02.02 so I guess I shouldn't worry about it. What's going on with me... had math class last night, wasn't too bad, though for the life of me, I just can't get myself to care about math in general at all.

I went to lunch with a bunch of ladies I graduated with from good ol' Tyee High. We all met at Zoopa's... and we all managed to show up, usually a couple people are missing ... I have been known to miss a few occasions here and there, but we had a really nice time catching up. We exchanged moans and groans over the fact that ten years ago we were sophomores... SOPHOMORES people! We are getting older! Never mind the fact that two of the gals, have children, and said children were sitting with us, we still don't feel like we are old enough to be grown ups. It's wierd.

Saturday night Aaron and I met up with his friends for a birthday, and went to Azteca for dinner. We ended up going back to their house and played this game-Battle of the Sexes. It was pretty fun, I love trivia games though. Sunday was spent lazing around, napping, watching movies and chillin out. It was nice.

Other than that, not too much is going on...