Friday, August 30, 2002

2002 VMAs

I have been watching the advertisements and special programming for this big show for the past month and a half, and I really wish they had warned us that they were filming this bitch in digital. The swooping angles and wide shots were completely distracting, I felt like I was watching a 'behind the scenes' documentary or a movie... It looked more like a pre-filmed production than a live event...

Anyhoo, I have decided that Mr. Michael Jackson himself will now be called "The Commander." Did you see those shin/knee pads he wore when he accepted the millenium award? And what's with thanking David Blaine? It's all good; I just don't get it. We already think you are wierd dude, why make it worse? I kept expecting him to hold up a sign saying "Sony Opresses Artists of Color" or something... if you haven't heard, I keep reading in all the gossip columns and seeing pictures of him protesting Tommy Mottola and Sony. He and Mariah Carey together against Mean old Tommy Mottola... I can see why Crazy, I mean Mariah would say he opresses her... bitter much? I haven't figured out why the Commander jumped on that bandwagon. A co-worker mentioned this morning that his wife figured out who the Commander looks like. The female ape from Planet of The apes.

Anyhoo; I am watching Sheryl Crow perform right now, and suspecting the Commander to come out on stage... I just have a feeling he will, because I know she used to be his back up singer early in her career. They alluded to some big surprise and that's my prediction. We shall see...

Ok, Anthony Kiedis, you are so cute... so so cute... why must you speak? It shatters the illusion. Sheryl Crow is done singing, and now I think that the 'big' surprise was Rudolph Giuliani showing up... WTF? I like Rudy just as much as the next guy, but I have a hard time believing that MTV would waste time touting him as a 'big surprise'. How Lame. The ad for the new movie 'Ghost Ship' just came on... an abandoned cruise ship haunted by mean and evil ghosts. I looked at Lori after the preview was over and said "not a chance in Fucking Hell." she laughed, and I said "let's combine two of Allison's biggest fears... bodies of water and ghosts... Mean ghosts that is." I nervously looked around, and Lori started laughing. This Labor day weekend will be 5 years since Lori woke up to find the ghost of that little girl sitting on her vanity. She's created bits of chaos since, but lately it's been quiet... though now that I am acknowledging that I'm sure the games will begin. But anyhoo, back to the topic at hand...

Avril Levine... Why do ya have to be so irritating? Michelle Branch... ick. Everyone in the People's Choice category got robbed, and I blame Mary Kate and Ashley. Who by the way are on the fast track to becoming the new bitch ass debutantes of the minute like Paris and Nicky Hilton... who are famous for what anyway? Partying? Being rich? I know one of em dabbles in modeling... must be a hard life... now I sound bitter...

Britney, Britney, Britney... This is the VMA's... not your local biker bar.

Christina... seriously... fuck man, we get it you are ghetto fabulous... and what was with the malibu barbie outfit... yikes. I swear we were about 2 seconds from nipple city.

TLC's time on stage was touching... and I think it's awesome that MTV established that scholarship in Lisa Lopes' name. Bravo.

Pink..."I'm too drunk for this" oh yes you are... though it was kinda funny to see Jimmy Fallon goof on her afterwards. But seriously, how low do your jeans have to be?Good God.

The Hives... I don't know you... but your music sounds ok... but I think the world only needs one Mick Jagger.

Shakira... I want to know how many dollar bills got stuffed down her pants backstage... someone has been taking bellydancersize in her spare time. I saw her in the diary special "getting to the VMAs" and she said that there were only two places in the entire world where she felt completely uninhibited. One was the bathroom and one was the stage. Let's all say a little thank you prayer that she didn't confuse the two tonight.

Justin Timberlake... That hat is not tight. I don't care what your agent/stylist/manager/choreographer said. I gotta say though, he did do good on his performance, you gotta give credit, where credit is due. Lori and I amused ourselves in the pre show though to be noticing that when John Norris spoke to the other boys from Nsync, Mr. Timberlake was missing from the usual group photo op. He also didnt' sit with the boys, and the fact that we even notice this shit is just sad.

That said,

How cute is Jimmy Fallon? Well he'd be a hell of a lot cuter if he wiped the blush and lipstick off... though I dig the short hair. And homey has balls... making fun of fat joe while he sat in the audience, pretending he was lance bass and 'waxing the capsule' , joking about Brandy's ...assets. Commenting on the Commander's plastic surgery... good lawdy miss mawdy...

P. Diddy... not one to disappoint. I recently have been humming the tune from 'Pass the Couivosier' (sp?) I love the video... simply for the spoof on Harlem Nights in the middle, and the cameos by Jamie Foxx and Mr. T. Plus Busta Rhymes kicks ass in that video... and I am not by any means a Busta fan. So when they went from I need a girl to the remix and then to Pass the Couivosier.. I was one happy girl. Lori and I want to know who the little kid was and I said maybe it was Jonathon Niplicky... and yes, like I told Lori I realize his name is Lipnicki, but Niplicky makes me laugh.

The White Stripes... who the hell... I mean what the fuck... er... I just don't get it.

Linkin Park... They rock and I am so glad their video won an award. Their lead singer is so cute I just want to pinch his little cheeks. The ones on his face perverts.

Eminem... oh, what do you say... I'll start with his performance... I was glad to see him perform White America, but thought the shirtless performance of "Cleanin Out My Closet" took the cake. For obvious reasons. When he got his first award, he was pretty eloquent and gracious... then he had to go ghetto on us... granted I think that stupid insult dog is a waste of everyone's time... when he tried to talk to Eminem after talking to Moby... and Eminem refused saying something about Tv Time... don't quite get what he was saying, though that could be because the producers and Powers that be behind the scenes were quick to voice over and introduce Christina Aguilera... who incidentally got to present Eminem with the award for best Rap Video (I think) Which had to be fucking uncomfortable. Then the whole... "Keep crying little girl, I will hit a man in glasses." He was obviously talking to Moby and during his acceptance speech of all places... oh so ghetto... but still hot. Don't Judge me. That's what you gotta love about the VMA's... you don't see shit like that at the Oscars. Detroit Represent!


Lastly but definitely not least, the one and the only Axl Rose... homey has gained a little weight and doesn't look so near death now. I remember back in the day when he would wrap that greasy hair of his in a bandana and rock out in a belly shirt and his undies... looks like age and maturity have nurtured a little good taste... or at least better taste. I wasn't feeling the dreadlocks, but he put on one hell of a show. Though I had to wonder... where was Slash? Where are you Slashy? I'll never forget seeing him present years ago with a glass of beer and a cigarette... class man... he was in a class of his own. How fucking cool would it have been to have been in the pit during that performance?

Well those are my thoughts on the big show... I can rest easy now that I know Rudy Giuliani wasn't our big surprise. Jimmy Fallon looked like he was about to wet himself when he introduced Guns and Roses. Overall I was entertained, which is why I watch afterall. Though I also have to say that during the preshow Sway... the mtv vj who wears the head wrap was getting on my last nerve... as was Gideon Yago... false excitement ... so not yay.

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