Thursday, June 21, 2001

It's wierd how time changes you. I spent this morning at a funeral for a man who lived 89 years. He would have been 90 next week, and he left his legacy in his 6 children, 17 grandchildren, 14 great grandchildren, and 4 great-great grandchildren. Strolling through the grounds at Providence at Mt. St. Vincent (a nursing home where he lived, and where the memorial was held) I remembered the last time I was there. Mom, Lori, and Ashley and I had toured the facility back in september hoping to put dad there. It was the Hilton of nursing homes, and had a huge therapy department. It was the creme de la creme as far as we were concerned. Going back there today; I can't even imagine putting dad there. It's still as nice as ever, and the patients look genuinely happy and content, but... there's no way. I have a few friends who marvel at the fact that I am going to be 25 years old next year; and really don't have any plans to move out yet, and though I am anxious to move on with my life and get on with things; there's no way I can do that. They tell me all the time I can't live my life for someone else... but I put myself in my dad's shoes and my mom's too for that matter. I can't abandon them. Eventually it'll be time to take that step; but it hasn't been even a year since this stroke invaded our lives... I can't imagine what lies in my parent's future. I hope and pray every singe day and night for my dad to get more use out of his hand... and stronger legs; I pray that mom's health will stay in good condition... or God knows what could happen. Life is so precious, and I hate to use a phrase like that... it makes me sound like a wishy washy idiot... but ... well, a year ago; my biggest worry was school and money... today, my biggest worry is whether or not my dad's recovery will continue to progress and whether or not my mom can physically handle his care in the long run. I'm not going to keep on this topic, because this is the part of dad's stroke that rules my every day life; and makes the light dim. So I'll just say this... I believe in miracles... I believe in the power of prayer... and I'm going to continue to do so... keeping the faith that there is a light at the end of this tunnel... that this stroke didn't completely sever our ties with the lives we led before... somewhere our old lives are waiting ... for us to reclaim them... and that's what keeps us going.

Thursday, June 14, 2001

I NEED A BREAK!!!!!!! For the last ... 4 hours or so I have been working diligently; trying to learn html code. As I mentioned in my last entry; I purchased my own website, and I guess it's pretty helpful to know how to write this code. I think I am getting the hang of it, a little bit; but it's mentally exhausting. :-) It's all greek to me! I could have gone with a number of sites, and chosen to do a website that has "premade" pages... (which if this doesn't pan out, I may decide to do) but I want to give it a try at writing my own code. I want a kind of unique feel..(who doesn't?) but it may prove to be too difficult for me to do... wish me luck!!!

Can I just say that I am really sick of HEARTBURN? The last time I went to the doctor, she diagnosed me (temporarily) with some syndrome; basically there's something wrong with a valve in my stomach and it's making gases escape that shouldn't up into my esophogus. (I think) This isn't totally uncommon; and she gave me a list of things to do that could make it tolerable... and she prescribed prevacid to me... which I have yet to fill... it shuts down all acid production in your stomach (which can't be that good in my opinion), and I can only be on it for 3 months. But there's no generic kind; and it costs like 35 bucks for one bottle. I don't think so, I'll continue relying on tagamet and cimetidine to help (they take the edge off) it's against my moral grain to pay that much for medicine. (It's not like it's a cure anyway) then after the 3 months, she wanted me to come in and schedule this day surgery where basically the shove a tube down your throat with a camera on it and explore. NO THANKS. My mom says I'm being a baby; but I am not a science experiment, and they are in no way shoving some tube down my throat or anywhere else for that matter. Hell no. Mom says I could be ruining my chances to have kids; but I say It's a good thing babies don't grow in your stomach! Hell, she could be right... but I don't care... I have a strict policy about doctors and what procedures I'll allow them to perform... I won't go into it right now, but noone, I repeat noone, is sticking something down my throat... unless it's to save my life, and I better be unconscious!

I think I need a new doctor anyway. I have a feeling she's unethical... the woman flat out refuses to prescribe me antibiotics. "I'm under order from the cdc not to prescribe any antibiotics if I feel they aren't absolutely 100% warranted, too many people are becoming immune." Every time I go to her she tells me I have a virus... I've been sniffling and sneezing and dog tired since... february or so; and I have gone to her once, and she said it's a virus. Mom keeps telling me to go back; but I'll be damned if I am going to spend 15 bucks on a copay for miss high and mighty to tell me it's just a virus. I used to think she refused to prescribe anything because I refuse to be weighed when I go in there. the last 3 or 4 times, I have flat out refused to be weighed... I'm coughing... that doesn't call for my weight to be checked AND documented thank you very much. I harbor the thought that perhaps if I allowed myself to be weighed, she would give me a prescription... mom says that's nonsense, but I don't care... I need to find a new doc. She's too hoity toity anyway.

Tuesday, June 12, 2001

Well, I've decided to start my own website. I purchased my own domain, and am now waiting for my sitehost to get on the ball and email me the logistics to start building it. It will be called and I'll email everyone when I am ready to launch it. I am planning on having movie reviews, a column (not unlike this to write in), book reviews, gossip, my favorites, links, and pics. (to name a few!) I am sooo tired. Not sure why; and my face is tingling. I know, I know this is not normal; but I think it has to do with the tiredness; It feels like it's asleep. Like pins and needles.... it's been that way all day. and my eyes have been watering... any diagnosis's? (is that even a word???) I entered a contest to be a guest editor for Jane Magazine, but I don't think I was picked. :-( Keep your fingers crossed and say a small prayer for me though, because I think they choose it around the end of june. If I win, I'll be flown to New York for 3 days on their dime... although if I make it; you can be dang sure I'm gonna stay there more than 3 days. I'll stay an extra week or something... I gotta see the sights! But that's IF I make it. I am thinking of getting a degree in business. I am looking into pcdi (ashford college) it lets you study at home... I could earn an aa here at work or at home. If I decide to go that route; I am going to probably look into working as a party/wedding planner. Wish me luck; I think it could be fun. No news on the homefront... dad is supposed to undergo some sort of surgery soon... to help with spasticity. He is NOT HAPPY about it. Seems like a big pain in the ass for a basic roll of the dice to me. I haven't worked on the book in weeks (possibly months) I gotta get my butt in gear!!!! I am just scared it's not going to get published... and I hate going back and reliving all that crap we went through. I made the mistake of mentioning to mom that I was talking to the founder of Kaitlyn's Mobility ( a charity that works with us at safeco once a week). Carol, and her husband founded this charity after they raised money to get their daughter a wheelchair accessible van. They now try to help other families with disabled children. We spoke about fundraisers she and her husband had, and when I mentioned this to mom, she told me I was in charge of figuring out something to raise money for dad. I haven't come up with much... mom didn't like my first idea: chilling outside safeco, with a sign and my guitar (even though I don't know how to play it...) I think I could raise like 20 bucks that way! lol, she doesn't approve of panhandling. Then I thought of putting canisters at stores with dad's picture on it... but she found that demeaning. That's how we raised money in high school to go on our choir trip... whatever. I just don't have my heart in it... I think I am going through a "down" period right now... not as upbeat and optimistic as I normally am. The year anniversary since dad's stroke is looming ahead, and I wish I could just forget about it... about my life; wish I could wake up tommorrow as someone else. (No matter how hard I pray for that, it just doesn't happen!) But I know I'm lucky... I know that there are people out there way worse... just don't care about them right now; lol... this is a pity party for ONE. I was thinking of calling a bar to see if we could get them to donate a nights worth of cover charges and a band to see if they would donate their services for the cause. I thought of calling a popular seattle band... maybe hit explosion or the beatniks or someone... maybe we could raise a couple hundred bucks that way. Too bad I need 32 thousand huh? The other thing would be to contact large companies or something and get them to pledge money for the cause... but they would need something to pledge for... and I am not in any shape to go running a marathon or anything. Maybe I could live on a billboard for a week or two; and get companies to pledge how many hours I'd last, lol....HELP ME! I'M CREATIVELY BURNT OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Maybe we could do like happy days and have a dance a Seriously, these are the best idea's I've got... Holly mentioned that her girl scout troup could help us with a car wash; but it would take a lot of car washes to come up with that kind of money. Maybe we'll give it a try though... who knows. Maybe I could sell brownies and lemonade... incidentally; I've changed my email address; if you have any suggestions, please email me at I would love input. Anyhoo, I'm outta here, gotta go do something productive.

Peace out

Thursday, June 07, 2001

I know I suck; I haven't updated this bad boy in what... a week? I just took a second job at safeco field ... (sigh) yes, I am a hot dog girl. :-) it's not as bad as it seems... starts out at ten bucks an hour so what the heck! anyhoo... between that and an unusually heavy work load; I haven't been able to write anything; incidentally... I am looking in to starting my own website... I'll let you know how that goes... till then, peace out!