Thursday, November 03, 2011

Why I have trouble blogging.

I used to keep a blog/journal and updated it regularly... in fact, if you are reading this now, you likely read that one before.  After having kids, it fell a bit by the wayside... mostly after they hit the later toddler/little boy stages as life just became super busy, and then we were dealing with some behavioral issues (adhd) with Nolan... and I didn't *want* to write about it.  I didn't want to publish forever on the internet how difficult of a time we were having and the like.  After a while, it became more of a hassle to update than I wanted it to be (confession: it still is a bit of a hassle) so I just stopped.

I also work in criminal justice, specifically in a Sexually Violent Predator division... where I am part of a unit that helps civilly commit these monsters to a medical facility where they can receive treatment and work towards rehabilitation.  (she said with a straight face.)

I'm talking cases like where a ped0phi1e will pause the television on a show or commercial that has a child on screen... fully clothed, completely non-sexual... but he'll pause it and linger.  Said ped0phi1e also writes to charities and schools and programs asking for brochures (which they unwittingly send to him) as the brochures often have pictures of children on them.  You can imagine what the pictures are for. 

I've also seen a manual written by a ped0phi1e on how to achieve adu1t/chi1d 1ove (yes, I'm deliberately using numbers as I don't want those search terms to bring this page up), and I'm talking disturbingly explicit... how to earn trust, how to broach the relationship, how to consummate the relationship... disgusting. Offensive. Terrifying.  The photos used in the 'manual' were all innocent photos of children taken from 0rkut... which if you remember a while back, people were stealing photos from flickr and posting them on 0rkut for general consumption... looking at those photos made me sick... thinking that some parent shared a photo of their little one and it ended up in publication like that... it's completely fucked up.

Anyway, so I have a hard time wrestling with putting the kids out there... I know that it's always a risk, but I can't hide them away from everyone all the time... at least by blogging I have an outlet and I've made some wonderful friends and connections by blogging... so I am trying to reconcile it, as if I can keep myself still blogging, what a gift it will be for the boys to read about their childhoods and family life when they are grown. 

Which brings me to the other part of this... I don't want them to read back and think that I hated being a mom... because that is so totally not the case.  But I want to vent, and be honest and sometimes the honest stuff isn't pretty.  This is the biggest thing I think... and it's something I'm still not sure about, but I guess I'll just play it by ear. 

Anyway.  That's why I haven't blogged much in the past few years.

I leave you with a picture of me and my best friend Holly... this was 1998ish I believe... on a hell trip to Vancouver with her psycho ex-roommate.

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