Friday, November 04, 2011

ugh.

I am taking Nolan back to the doctor next week... I want him OFF the Addera11.  He was on 10 mg for about a year, then in August we moved him back to 5mg in the morning, 5 in the afternoon (sometimes he only takes a half though) as he really does remarkably in school, it's the non school portion of his day that he struggles.

Anyway, I was diagnosed with ADHD earlier this summer... I took Adderall for a month or so, and realized that Adderall + me = BITCHFACE.  Seriously.  I would be fine and then I could feel the dark cloud sort of coming over me... it was uncontrollable and I would be ready to take someone's head off for no reason.  It was AWFUL.  (Add in that I was off my depression meds and I was an angry, depressed MESS.  But that is an entry for another day.)

After I stopped taking it, (I now take Wellbutrin for both the ADHD and the depression) I noticed how Nolan would change from being his happy go lucky (albeit WILD) self to being somewhat serious and more prone to snappishness and grudges... and occasionally lashing out.  I took him to the doc a few weeks ago, wanting him OFF of stimulants, but he talked me into adding a different med at night and seeing how that affected things.  As is per usual, I fell for it (what IS IT with doctors' offices and me forgetting to hold my ground?!) and I had him take it for a few days.  Then I thought 'fuck that.' and stopped.  I didn't want to add a medicine, I want him off the medicine that makes him a cranky little beast. 

As a test to see if I was right, I took him off all meds for a few days last week and what do you know.  Yes, he was hard to handle because he was wily and all over the place, but not once did I have to get on him about his attitude, the way he was speaking to me, for talking back etc.  It was amazing.  That was all I needed to arm myself with, so when we go back this week I can take a firmer stance as I now *KNOW* that I am right.

The thought that for the last 2 years he has been scolded and yelled at and punished time and time again for his nasty attitude... and the fact that it was the medicine making him that way kills me.  KILLS.ME.  He is such a good boy, and a sweet boy.  He deserves to be happy, above all, he deserves to be happy.

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