Thursday, November 10, 2011

Geeked.

I don't think I've mentioned it here, but I joined my church choir this fall and damn if I'm not having a blast.  I had forgotten how much fun and how uplifting it is to sing in choir.  Plus, we do a fair amount of gospel music which is just plain fun.  I have to admit too, that as 1 of about 5 or 6 people (out of about 40+) who are under the age of 60, it's kinda fun to be around so many grandmas and grandpas.  They crack me up.

So now, for fun, I live up to my choir geek status and spend a fair amount of time searching out choir performances on you tube ... usually for songs that my choir is practicing.  Right now we are getting ready to perform this one for church on Sunday, I love it.



Monday, November 07, 2011

Spins.

So yeah, did I mention that I've had this dizziness thing going on for a while now?  It kind of sucks. About three weeks ago I woke up and before I even got out of bed I realized the room was spinning.  It was so strange.  After it went away (a few seconds later), I got up and immediately realized that my balance was missing.  I had to grab a wall and hold on for a few seconds.  I spent the day slightly to moderately dizzy... unable to get in to my doctor I left work early and went home to sleep.  The next day it was better, but ever since then, any time I lay down, or lean my head back too much or stand up quickly I get dizzy. I have done a disgusting amount of googling and I'm pretty sure it's vertigo, I am going to see about getting in to the doc soon.  It's getting to be pretty annoying.

Add to that my left eye twitching 24/7 and you can see why I am starting to get a bit tired of it all... If I'm not dizzy, my damn eye is twitching and vice versa.  GAH.

The prompt for today:

Making family time is important to me. How do you balance your children, relationship, and work life?

I think we struggle with balance a lot in our house.  Sadly, Aaron and I and our relationship sort of end up taking a back seat to the kids, work, chores, etc.  Aaron and I operate as a team and we get a lot accomplished, but there are still times where things come out horribly lop sided... where we'll go months without having had a date night or spending any time together.  Recently we started making Sunday nights our 'date night' at home.  During the week we alternate days to pick what to watch on TV... I get odds and he gets evens... this alone has solved so much of the stupid conflict we were having.  We don't watch the same stuff and I would want to watch my cheesy reality show and he would want to watch his BORING car show and we would bicker and one of us would get annoyed and so on and so on.

So we started alternating nights and bam! No more conflict.  So simple.  No more bickering, no more annoyances (regarding the tv anyway) and now on Sunday nights we pick a movie together and watch it together.

As for work, luckily I work a 9-5 and can leave it there for the most part.  Sometimes I bring some of the stress home with me, and sometimes I work overtime, but it really isn't bad.  The only thing I would change is if I could work earlier hours since I have to be up early anyway. 

anyhoo, that's all for me tonight.

I just started the book 'The Help' today and I can't put it down!  It's got me hooked, I highly recommend it.

655679289103_0_ALB Asa. Good Lord I miss that cat.

Sunday, November 06, 2011

7 years

Aaron and I celebrated our 7 year anniversary today... with a trip to Fry's and Taco Time for dinner!  :)  We had our date night.  Today was spent hanging out, doing household stuff, and playing trouble with the boys.  By the way, remind me to tell you later about the pain that is board games with a 5 and 6 year old.  At least today there was less yelling. By us.  Gah.

Anyway,  because I refuse to post current pictures of myself right now (hello, heifer)... how about a look back at some wedding pictures.

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the bridal party ... how things change... the flower girls are now teenagers who live far, far, away and I miss them dearly.  The ring bearers are 12 and 14.  One of the groomsmen has been divorced and remarried since then, another groomsman has gotten married and had two babies... in fact... since this photo, there have been NINE babies born to this group.  One of the groomsmen and a bridesmaid are now dating, two of the bridesmaids are ass faced dicks who I know longer associate with... and one of them is my cousin, go figure. 
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7 years. wow.  Can't wait to see what the next 7 hold in store for us. ;)  And the hundred after that.

Saturday, November 05, 2011

using a writing prompt...

Ok, I got nothin' for today, so I'll use the NaBloPoMo prompt...
"When you are writing, do you prefer to use a pen or a computer?"

a computer... I had no idea how little I actually wrote with a pen... but I sat down to write in my journal (which hadn't been written in in well over a year) and damn. After a paragraph my hand began to hurt! WTF. I used to write page upon page of journaling in cursive, now I can't do more than a paragraph? Damn.

Well, that's it. Hey how about an old pic of me with short hair. I kind of want to do that again.

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Friday, November 04, 2011

ugh.

I am taking Nolan back to the doctor next week... I want him OFF the Addera11.  He was on 10 mg for about a year, then in August we moved him back to 5mg in the morning, 5 in the afternoon (sometimes he only takes a half though) as he really does remarkably in school, it's the non school portion of his day that he struggles.

Anyway, I was diagnosed with ADHD earlier this summer... I took Adderall for a month or so, and realized that Adderall + me = BITCHFACE.  Seriously.  I would be fine and then I could feel the dark cloud sort of coming over me... it was uncontrollable and I would be ready to take someone's head off for no reason.  It was AWFUL.  (Add in that I was off my depression meds and I was an angry, depressed MESS.  But that is an entry for another day.)

After I stopped taking it, (I now take Wellbutrin for both the ADHD and the depression) I noticed how Nolan would change from being his happy go lucky (albeit WILD) self to being somewhat serious and more prone to snappishness and grudges... and occasionally lashing out.  I took him to the doc a few weeks ago, wanting him OFF of stimulants, but he talked me into adding a different med at night and seeing how that affected things.  As is per usual, I fell for it (what IS IT with doctors' offices and me forgetting to hold my ground?!) and I had him take it for a few days.  Then I thought 'fuck that.' and stopped.  I didn't want to add a medicine, I want him off the medicine that makes him a cranky little beast. 

As a test to see if I was right, I took him off all meds for a few days last week and what do you know.  Yes, he was hard to handle because he was wily and all over the place, but not once did I have to get on him about his attitude, the way he was speaking to me, for talking back etc.  It was amazing.  That was all I needed to arm myself with, so when we go back this week I can take a firmer stance as I now *KNOW* that I am right.

The thought that for the last 2 years he has been scolded and yelled at and punished time and time again for his nasty attitude... and the fact that it was the medicine making him that way kills me.  KILLS.ME.  He is such a good boy, and a sweet boy.  He deserves to be happy, above all, he deserves to be happy.

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Thursday, November 03, 2011

Why I have trouble blogging.

I used to keep a blog/journal and updated it regularly... in fact, if you are reading this now, you likely read that one before.  After having kids, it fell a bit by the wayside... mostly after they hit the later toddler/little boy stages as life just became super busy, and then we were dealing with some behavioral issues (adhd) with Nolan... and I didn't *want* to write about it.  I didn't want to publish forever on the internet how difficult of a time we were having and the like.  After a while, it became more of a hassle to update than I wanted it to be (confession: it still is a bit of a hassle) so I just stopped.

I also work in criminal justice, specifically in a Sexually Violent Predator division... where I am part of a unit that helps civilly commit these monsters to a medical facility where they can receive treatment and work towards rehabilitation.  (she said with a straight face.)

I'm talking cases like where a ped0phi1e will pause the television on a show or commercial that has a child on screen... fully clothed, completely non-sexual... but he'll pause it and linger.  Said ped0phi1e also writes to charities and schools and programs asking for brochures (which they unwittingly send to him) as the brochures often have pictures of children on them.  You can imagine what the pictures are for. 

I've also seen a manual written by a ped0phi1e on how to achieve adu1t/chi1d 1ove (yes, I'm deliberately using numbers as I don't want those search terms to bring this page up), and I'm talking disturbingly explicit... how to earn trust, how to broach the relationship, how to consummate the relationship... disgusting. Offensive. Terrifying.  The photos used in the 'manual' were all innocent photos of children taken from 0rkut... which if you remember a while back, people were stealing photos from flickr and posting them on 0rkut for general consumption... looking at those photos made me sick... thinking that some parent shared a photo of their little one and it ended up in publication like that... it's completely fucked up.

Anyway, so I have a hard time wrestling with putting the kids out there... I know that it's always a risk, but I can't hide them away from everyone all the time... at least by blogging I have an outlet and I've made some wonderful friends and connections by blogging... so I am trying to reconcile it, as if I can keep myself still blogging, what a gift it will be for the boys to read about their childhoods and family life when they are grown. 

Which brings me to the other part of this... I don't want them to read back and think that I hated being a mom... because that is so totally not the case.  But I want to vent, and be honest and sometimes the honest stuff isn't pretty.  This is the biggest thing I think... and it's something I'm still not sure about, but I guess I'll just play it by ear. 

Anyway.  That's why I haven't blogged much in the past few years.

I leave you with a picture of me and my best friend Holly... this was 1998ish I believe... on a hell trip to Vancouver with her psycho ex-roommate.
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Tuesday, November 01, 2011

ahh, that's better.

I was initially planning on updating this blog every day for nanoblomo or whatever it is called. But then I got acrylic nails put on 2 weeks ago and last week they were really screwing with my ability to type as I had them put on a bit long.

And yes, acrylics. I wore fake nails for about 3 years before I had kids, and man do I miss them. They make me feel pretty and they are a respectable length... and it gives me an hour to myself every other week to get a fill and have some me time. Though I have to say, I really don't enjoy the whole process in and of itself.

Anyway, because I haven't updated every day ... I'll remedy that by backdating a few short posts to get caught up.  So we'll pretend this was written on 11/1 and not 11/6.

now I leave you with one of my most favoritest pictures of my sissy when she was little.


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