Friday, May 20, 2005

You all thought I was pissy BEFORE?

Good Lord. You don't even want to talk to me today. I am exhausted, I am bitchy, I am swollen and I am itchy, and I really, really REALLY have no tolerance for much of anything. Please know, that I am not always such a dark cloud... I think Aaron especially would attest to that. I use this journal to be bitchy and whiny and vent my frustrations, and I wish I used it more to talk about the things that make me happy... I'm sure those days will come in the next few weeks once all of this moving/school bullshit is over with and I can just sit back and relax and await the birth of my son. Until then, I'm just warning you that I am crabby and using this journal to prove it.

Aaron and I are supposed to go sign on Monday, it is a tentative appointment, so I don't hold my breath. I had to call our realtor and ask him what we were responsible for if we end up having to walk from this deal if it takes too long (we have to be out of our apartment by the 31st.) Luckily, it's just our earnest money, but neither one of us wants to return to the land of renting. As scary as this whole home buying business is, and as scary as it is paying more money on one income... we just think buying is the right thing to do. That said, if we don't sign by Wednesday I do believe we will have to SERIOUSLY consider walking from the deal. I am praying that it doesn't come to that.

I am exhausted. Fucking exhausted. Much of this stems from the stress of the week, all the crying (yes, there has been crying every damn day... fucking hormones) and the discomfort I've been in this week... I think little guy has had a growth spurt because man, the belly skin just HURTS with the addition of more stretch marks. And I can't slouch or lean over as easily and really, I haven't been able to do that for MONTHS anyway, but then it was just difficult, now I feel feet or something poking me in the lung, or what feels like the lung. :-)

My anxiety about delivery options is unparallel as of late, I suppose that this is the direct result of all of the chaos going on right now. I actually sat in the doctor's office and bawled while we discussed my options. I am just so hesitant to say I want a c-section, but when faced with the possible problems a regular birth might leave me with, I am just not confident that a regular birth is the right choice for me. I am not happy with either choice in front of me... at all. I did some reading up on lichen sclerosus and had little to no luck finding anything other than case studies (in which the patients who had csections were grateful for them, and those who didn't had years of healing problems.) I also read how lichen sclerosus should not affect the delivery of a baby, but when 99% of the data I have found lists most cases to be diagnosed after menopause, there obviously isn't anything about how it can affect childbirth in those studies.

I keep going over it in my head, my own personal list of pros and cons, and I just don't know what to do. I am leaning towards a csection, but I know that that is NOT what I want to do. But then on the flip side considering some of the possible outcomes of a regular delivery for me are just too much to think about, let ALONE deal with in the physical sense.

I'm being sort of vague for a reason... I don't particularly enjoy talking about this kind of stuff w/ family/friends etc. Though I know they read this site, this allows them to know why I am being such an asshole today (and really, lately and probably for the next 2 months) without me going into details that I am uncomfortable discussing with them. But it also allows me to vent my frustrations with the whole kit and kaboodle and sometimes work things out that I hadn't thought about before.

I was going to post on the boards I belong to about it, but there are a lot of people on there who can be quick to condemn, and then use fear tactics to make c-sections seem like the worst choice possible. I don't think there is a better choice for me at this point. It's frustrating as hell, as I'm sure any choice that doesn't jive with an ideal is. Surgery scares me, as well as the the recovery time, and the idea that it may hinder breast feeding. But the alternative scares me even more... Aaron and I have more discussing to do on the subject, but he is very supportive and mainly wants what's going to be best for me, and my health... and unfortunately, a c-section is looking like it right now. Now I just have to tell my doctor. Ugh.

Also, why is it that every time I cry in front of a doctor (and yes, it's happened frequently in this pregnancy at least 3 times... and once in front of my specialist before I was pregnant...) they always ask if I'm seeing a therapist, and have I thought about talking to someone about it? Good Lord. I don't need a shrink, I need a CURE. I need to move, I need to stop worrying about the fact that I've gained back almost all of the weight I lost before, I need to quit thinking about money and how we'll survive (I know we'll do fine, but the gravity is SLLOOOOOWWWWWLLLLLYYYYY hitting home of us being on one income for a while), I need to quit worrying about stupid shit that DOES NOT MATTER.

So anyway, there you have it.

Also... did you see yesterday's dr. phil w/ the wife abusing the husband? That was some disturbing shit to watch, I made Aaron watch it with me (I tivo'd it) at least the parts where it showed her abusing him because if I was that disturbed, he needed to be disturbed too. Then Oprah comes on and does that bit about the parasitic twin, and of course I rewound it and made him come out from playing his video game to watch that too. Heh... he said he's going to have nightmares now. I fell asleep after that, and woke up to my phone ringing at 10 to 7, we are supposed to be at birthing class at 7, so we quickly got our shit together and left. Luckily, we only live 4 minutes away from the hospital.

And just so you know, I get squicked out by EVERYTHING. The anxiety about the stuff they use in delivery and c-sections had me grossed out and anxious, but talking about breastfeeding in clinical terms and seeing illustrations of the ducts and glands and blah de blah blah blah had me just as grossed out. Don't even get me started on the video/pictures of nursing mothers, and watching them squeeze out the colostrum. I about passed out. heh... I'm going to be a great mother.

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