Tuesday, January 18, 2005


I know I haven't updated in a while, and I don't really know why... I just have not been motivated. That and I get tired of coming here and complaining all the time. I don't really have much to complain about, I'm just moody as fuck. (To put it mildly.)

I'm just sort of sad at the way certain things have played out... and feel really let down... I don't want to go into much detail here (which is WHY I keep kicking myself for letting my friends and family in on this website, I totally feel like I need to censor myself sometimes, and I hate it!) But I feel pretty much edged out and abandoned. I've spoken of it at least twice in the past year, (once was much more recently) and there has been zero change and really, no effort at all to ease my fears, so I guess they are true. It's just sad. And it's not something I would have expected from this person at all. But actions speak louder than words and I can't force someone to be my friend. Quite frankly, the whole thing just makes me sick. And true to the rumors, I don't want to talk or write about it anymore, because it will probably just make me cry. (I've been doing a lot of that lately, much to Aaron's chagrin.)

Aaron and I haven't been up to much lately, we have begun putting jigsaw puzzles together as our weekend entertainment. You know you want to come party with us. ;-P I've been counting my calories on a daily basis, because seriously... there is a thing called 'controlled weight gain' and I am failing MISERABLY at it. Fuck a duck... It's depressing. And yes, I know why it's happening, and I know it's going to happen more, but really; when you equate feeling large and gross to being fat, feeling it when your pregnant doesn't translate well. And don't tell me to stop stressing because homies, I gained 9 motherfucking pounds last month. How, I don't know. But they should hire me to coach Renee Zelleweger in that fucking bridget jones movie, because I could have packed the weight on her quicker than quick.

Of course it might also help if I wasn't gaining it all over, and was just gaining in my tummy, but fools... this is me we're talking about. I think my body is still pissed at what I put it through a few years back and is holding onto every fucking bite and converting it into back fat just for kicks. Bastard.

So I'm tracking my daily calorie intake (a detailed list of every thing that goes into my mouth every day) and if I gain another astronomical amount I at least have it on paper that I am not gorging on cakes and cookies and doughnuts (ok, I had two on sunday, but I wrote them down!) and the like. I think once the peanut is moving around more and I feel more pregnant I will chill out. Let's hope anyway, right?

Asa is vain as hell

ps. Aaron reminded me (via the guestbook, thanks sweetie!) that I forgot to mention we were able to sell the Honda. I wasn't going to bother, but it was comments and emails that said "dude, try and sell it" that changed my mind, and it worked! We got 300 bucks for it, so thanks guys!

And goodbye little car, you were a good one.

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