Wednesday, April 07, 2004

I SHOULD SO WRITE GREETING CARDS FOR A LIVING

This morning found me grumbling about the local grocery store, trying to figure out what cake to buy for Satchel's raggedy ass birthday. We buy cakes for each birthday in the office and all sign a card for the birthday person... to buy the cake and card is usually delegated to me which is fine, but on Satchel's birthday I hate doing it. I know his favorite cake is german chocolate, but I didn't buy one. Fuck that. I got him a chocolate cake with yellow flowers. When they asked me what I wanted them to write on it at the bakery I thought "HAPPY BIRTHDAY DONKEYFUCKER" ? "HAPPY BIRTHDAY YOU FOREHEAD TWITCHING SONOFABITCH" ? (I don't think that one would have fit.) "HAPPY BIRTHDAY VOMIT FACE" ? I settled with plain old 'Happy Birthday Satchel', then fantasized through the rest of the store about defecating on said cake before I presented it to him. I also had the chore of buying a card. I stood there for a good 5 minutes, not satisfied with anything I saw when it hit me. Of course I didn't like any of them, none of them relayed the message that 'we hate you, this whole acknowledgement of your stupid birthday is obligational, and we wish you'd quit or get fired." They just don't cover that sort of a tone in the Albertson's card aisle. So I got a plain card that has balloons on the front and on the inside just says 'happy birthday'.

This got me thinking though, and I thought up several cards that I so totally would have bought if they existed. (comma signifies opening the card)

"Happy birthday uber-asshole, now quit touching the motherfucking thermostat."

"2 of us hate your guts and one is completely indifferent, Have a joyous birthday."

"Happy birthday to the epitome of douche-bagginess, We wish you would quit."

"If it were up to us you never would have been hired, Happy birthday!"

"We felt obligated to get you this card, We hope you choke on it."

"You are the supreme pig fucker and we spit on the very idea that it?s your birthday, But hey we still get free cake."

"For your birthday we got you a chocolate cake, Hope you?re allergic!"

"We wanted to find you the perfect cake for your birthday, However it?s hard to find one frosted in diarrhea. "

"To the glistening pustule of human excrement who shares our office, We felt obligated to buy you a card feel free to go fuck yourself!"

You can see the sort of cards I was hoping for now, right? I think hallmark should totally market an 'obligational' card line. Bucks, man, bucks.

Last night we went over to mom and dad's house to celebrate Lori's birthday. She had a few friends come over, and two of them had their cute, adorable little babies with them.



This is Maggie, she will be a year old later this month. Last year, her mom Sarah showed up to our birthday party absolutely ready to pop, I believe little maggie here was overdue. She was so good last night, crawling around and checking people out. Not a peep out of her.



Me and Liam, he's the son of Amanda, one of Lori's oldest and Best friends.



Here he is all cool and such. He is a good baby too, everyone wanted to hold him and he was so calm and just seemed to be taking everything in. What a little peanut. :-)



From left to right is Sarah (Maggie's mom), Lori and Amanda (Liam's mom).



Requisite cake shot



Lori and Maggie share a little lap time



Lori and Ash


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