Wednesday, February 04, 2004


For those not in the know, Jenascia (Burien-ite) was eliminated last night from America's Next Top Model. *sigh* oh well, Aaron put it best as the show ended "well that fuckin' sucks." heh, oh well.

Day two without nasal spray is going amazingly well. I used it once in the middle of the night, but all day today my nose hasn't been as stuffed up, so that's a plus. I am still sore as hell... every time I sit down or go to stand up the pain, she is terrible. I am starting to have that guilt thing again about working out, I have some math homework I need to get done, and Astronomy stuff to read and I kind of wanted to make this for dinner tonight. But I feel like if I don't go to the gym, than I am destined to gain back all the weight, and the weight I am trying to lose won't come off... etc etc etc. I am, however eating right and I did do a great workout the other night, and am a tad fearful of how I'll feel tomorrow if I go overdo it tonight. Dammit, I hate when I start doing this to myself. I can get so ... weird about working out and stuff. Tunnel vision I guess. It's so hard to remind myself that it's ok to have a life too... I think I'm just internally freaking out about getting a wedding dress and fitting into it, etc. I was thinking, that next quarter maybe I'll take an evening math class (if they offer it) and that way, when Aaron gets up in the morning, I'll follow suit and use that time to go work out, then just go to work from the gym. It would be nice to change up my routine, as well as get it done and over with first thing in the morning you know?

One thing is for sure, I have some fucked up issues with eating and exercising and it needs to get resolved. I am not saying this to elicit emails telling me how far I've come or any pity... because though I love to get them (and I do, believe me... they are surefire ways to build confidence!) it's just a fact that I need to find a new way to approach these two things. I constantly base my self worth on whether or not I'm above or below a certain weight. That has to stop. I don't know why I do this, I don't judge other people on their weight (that is of course unless I don't like them and then they become 'fat ass' and 'skinny bitch'.) But really, I put Aaron through hell when it comes to this, constantly belittling myself over my weight and appearance. Simply because I am not happy with it. I am so fucking critical of myself it amazes me. I wasn't half this critical before when I weighed 90lbs more... why now? So frustrating. The guilt I feel for not going to the gym, even though sometimes I don't feel like it's a choice. I have a full plate with school and with work and just getting shit done. But if I skip a night or two I feel like a failure. Arg. I really don't know how to fix it. I am just tired of feeling like this.

I keep reading about how gay marriage may be legal as early as mid May, and call me a pessimist but I'll believe it when I see it. I just have a hard time believing that some redneck conservative won't come and disrupt the process somehow. Whether it's our dear president or some senator or something... I hope it does come into effect, and I hope it stays legal. I hope every other state in the country follows suit. It's about damn time, don't you think?

I don't think I had much else to say... there is a very real possibility we will be adopting a new kitty this weekend... not sure yet. Still debating over it. I'll keep you posted.

Times Square confetti

This is a drawing that Ashley had done for her mom for her birthday. She gave the guy (in Central Park) a wallet picture of her grandma and one of her mom and herself. He drew the three of them together and did a damn fine job. It doesn't look exactly like Ash, but he really captured Karen and Dottie. She gave this to Karen for her birthday, and when she got it and cried, there wasn't a dry eye in the place. It's so touching because Dottie passed away about 5 or 6 years ago, so the sketch of the three of them is pretty special.


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