Tuesday, August 12, 2003

MY CAR SUCKS DONKEY ASS

So I go to leave work last night, all ready to go to the gym, and lo and behold... it won't start. In fact, I have no power at all. AWESOME! Kevin (a coworker) came out and upon some investigation we noticed that one cord that leads to the battery was frayed and the other one had completely worn through and was no longer connected at all. So we pushed my car into the garage here at work for the night, and I got a ride home from Lori. I was a little disappointed, because I wanted to go to the gym... as I never went last week, and the guilt is all but consuming me. But I was also really tired and had a bit of a tummy ache, so I went home and just sat around for a bit, did some laundry and some dishes and was in bed at 9 curled up with my book. About 9:30 I had a nice surprise when Aaron came home... EARLY! I love that! He put in the movie Contact (as we had caught the end of it on TNT over the weekend) and I fell asleep shortly after 10 I think. I woke up around 4am with a splitting headache in my er.. uh..left temporal lobe... above my left eye... near the hairline. I stumbled around and took 3 advil and lay on the heating pad, and finally fell back asleep... deeply. When the alarm went off at 6:45 I thought "You've got to be fucking kidding me"... but I managed to wake up and Aaron came down to work with me and fixed my car. I think I still need to replace the battery contacts, but at least now I have power once again. Hopefully the contacts will be replaced tomorrow.

I forgot to mention, that on Sunday when we were grocery shopping, we were goofing around and being all 'couplish' in the frozen food aisle. I was looking for vegetable pot pies (do they even make those anymore? everything has MEAT in it!) and the door to the cooler was all fogged up so Aaron wrote 'I love U' and I grinned and gave him a kiss and we moved down the aisle. A minute or so later an older lady tapped Aaron on the arm and (I was peering into the cooler, looking for vegetarian foods) said "You two have IT. Don't lose it." she smiled and walked away. We thought that was cool, and kinda funny... because you never realize people are watching you you know?

SO...... in news that will make my mother dance for joy... and make my Uncle Gary gloat, I have been kicking around the idea of eating meat again. I haven't made any decisions yet... and am hesitant for a few reasons. I am petrified at the thought of gaining weight... this is something I'm trying to work on... I stopped eating meat so I could not eat fast food or any other kind of fatty restaurant food easily, as a means to lose weight. That and any easy to make dishes... basically I wanted to only eat vegetables and fruits... a method that worked for me. I have NEVER been a big fan of red meat, and only ate beef in sauces or when we'd stop at mcdonalds or other fast food restaurants anyway. I miss chicken and turkey... and I know that eating meat is not the key to gaining weight. I know it's about lifestyle and my lifestyle now is A lot different now than when I weighed 260lbs... I am more active, and more conscious of what I put into my body. I also don't eat a shitload of ice cream and candy and other sweets on a daily basis... ok, I have an ice cream cone every night after dinner... but eating a low fat ice cream cone... a SMALL one at that does not compare with eating an entire container of Ben and Jerry's Everything But the... Ice cream in one sitting... as I used to do most friday and Saturday nights. Plus I like the idea of getting more protein into my diet... and think eating some grilled chicken with a salad for dinner is better than eating a big salad... protein to counteract the carbs is what I keep hearing is good. I don't know... I'm going to try and read up on it and see if that's what I truly want to do. I just don't want to give myself the license to start eating fast food again... which is actually kind of dumb, because I didn't eat a lot of fast food before really... I just led an incredibly unhealthy lifestyle in general. I am just trying to overcome this irrational fucking fear of waking up one morning to find that I've gained back all of this weight. I know that it's not going to happen as long as I stay in control... but it's scary. Food is scary. I don't think obsessing this much is healthy... but I fear the day I don't is the day I get sucked back into not giving a shit anymore about nutrition.... I just want to be thin and feel better about myself... but sometimes I wonder if I will ever feel better... if it's an unattainable goal simply because I allow myself to obsess.

I read an interview Carnie Wilson gave like a couple years ago... and in it she said something like when she lost the weight she started smoking pot and retreating within herself because she didn't know how to handle the attention and pressure. I remember thinking "what a load of bullshit. If I lost that kind of weight and looked as good as she does I'd be out kicking up my heels and celebrating." I could not fathom that shrinking in any way would still leave anyone with doubts... here I am. I am half the size (used to be a 24, am now a comfortable 12) I was, and am probably harder on myself now than I ever was at 24. I think about my stomach constantly... am convinced it's grown after not being at the gym for a week, even though I've kept up for the most part on my eating plan... though on the weekends I am more lenient, I don't go buck wild. I critique every inch of myself in the mirror when I get dressed for work, am never satisfied that my stomach is sucked in enough... despise the way it pooches out, and the flabby inner thighs... I work my ass off at the gym, and can't seem to budge most of the time... though I seem to lose inches I have a hell of a time losing poundage. I go through times when I actually hate my image and myself...and then I have to take a step back and I am disgusted by my thoughts... would I think anything less of any one of my friends or family if they lost or gained weight? would it matter to me if their stomach pooched a bit? Does that lessen their value to me as a person at all? HELL NO. so why do I convince myself that my weight should validate me in any way as a person? It shouldn't... at all. I know that. But then for one second I envision weighing 260 lbs and the cycle starts again. I guess it's good that I recognize it, but changing it is proving to be hard as hell. I am trying... but it's difficult. I am turning into something I hate... someone who pushes their insecurities onto everyone around them... obsessing vocally about my weight as a way to either solicit advice or reassurance that my place in the lives of those around me does not change just because I feel I am failing in the weight loss department. I realize the initial weight loss was a victory in itself. Everyone marvels at how different I look now... I marvel at how different I look now... but I can't help to want more. To want a flat stomach and visible collarbones. I want to shop at Target and Walmart and Old Navy and not wear a xxl top... or even an xl top... I USED to wear an xxl top... why should I still wear one? I have lost over 11 inches on my chest and over 10 on my stomach... it just doesn't seem fair. Of course I fail to remember sometimes that at 260lbs I wore old navy MEN'S shirts... and 3x shirts at target...and walmart...well forget about it. Anyway... pardon the obsessive tone and the overall rant here... I just needed to get it out.



I came home the other day to this... I knew one of the cats must have been up to something, but had no idea what. so I turned the rug back to see what the deal was, bracing myself for kitty poo or vomit...




A Q-tip. I knew Asa had 'buried his kill'... he loves q-tips and will play for hours on end with them if I let him. He also has to bury anything and everything. If I give him kitty treats on the floor, sometimes he'll eat some and leave a few then go through the motions of pretending to rake the carpet, burying his food. Once he dragged a remote control from somewhere and got it over his food dish perfectly. and they say cats are dumb. I'll vouch that they're wierd... but not dumb.




Ben loves to perch on this speaker and if I make growling sounds and walk towards him clawing at the air in sort of a Frankenstein-esque stance he hunkers down like this; ready to attack. Sometimes if I get my hand close enough he'll bite, softly though, not hard. Meanwhile his ears go flat and his tail swishes all over the place. What a geek! (him not I... scaring your cat is normal... really it is.) If I do the same thing to Asa, his eyes get real big and for a second you think he's going to make a run for it, then he just falls over and wants his belly rubbed. His weapon of choice is his charm. :-)



COMMENT ON THIS ENTRY


No comments:

Post a Comment

Leave a Comment