Friday, August 22, 2003


I went out to Applebees last night to meet a couple friends for cocktails, which really means dinner and a diet soda. I just don't really drink anymore... it's wierd. I'll have the occasional glass of wine, but unless we are going out to party I just don't drink. A night spent at our favorite karaoke place will warrant several bud lights and a few Rumplemintz on the rocks... but anything else... nah. Anyhoo, I came to a decision yesterday. A scary one for me... I have spent the last year obsessing about food, exercise and my weight. Actually, that's not true... my ENTIRE life has revolved around what goes in my mouth. It's in the last year that I finally got serious about it and did something to change the situation. For the better part of six months my diet consisted of a breakfast of a piece or two of fruit. Lunch was steamed vegetables, dinner was a boca burger on fat free bread with a splash of fat free ranch dressing. After my evening workout I would indulge in a diet cherry coke (after all I had drank a gallon of water already that day) and sometimes when the hunger pains would get to be too much I would have a few low fat graham crackers in the evening. Eventually I upped breakfast to include not only a piece of fruit, but also fat free yogurt (for protein). I rarely if ever strayed from that diet during the week. The weekends, I indulged in a muffin for breakfast/lunch... then I would eat something small for dinner and call it good. In December of last year I began eating a little more regularly, and the excercise tapered off, but didn't stop. I was still strict but Aaron and I would go out to eat a lot, so I began eating veggie burgers and salads more often. I was still semi-strict but not nearly as much as before. Fast forward to June, when I went back on my little regimen... I have lost about 10 pounds since the beginning of June... but no more. I can't seem to budge and it's driving me batty. Mainly because I eat the same thing day in and day out, and rarely if ever allow myself to eat normally because I am fucking petrified of gaining weight. I am tired of this battle. I am tired of analyzing every bite that goes into my mouth. I am tired of feeling guilty on Monday after I've had a normal weekend of eating regular stuff... and I'm not talking twinkies and ho-hos and doritos... just normal food that everyone eats. Pasta. Bread. Milk. Whatever. I decided yesterday that I am going to start eating meat again. For sure. Chicken and pork or beef... I am not a pork fan anyway, and I just want to stay away from red meat in general. And I'm going to try and eat normally... healthy but normal. I am still going to work out, but I am just going to attempt to improve my general fitness ability and not focus so much on losing weight. I have come a long way in the past year, I know that. I also know that if I see myself gaining weight I will do something about it... I am just sick and tired of surviving on lettuce and fruit and egg beaters.

So back to my original point of that long ass diatribe, we went to Applebees and I himmed and hahhed over what to get, and just could not force myself to get the asian chicken salad. (Which is what I really wanted.) Instead I ordered the house salad, with no bacon. *sigh* I am just going to have to ease myself into it I guess.

The reason I named this entry Butt Nugget is because that's what I called Aaron last night. I come home around 10pm, after just talking to him on the phone. He usually doesn't get home from work until like 11:15 or so. I should say I had an inkling, because when I talked to him I wondered briefly if he might be home already, then dismissed that thought as wishful thinking and forgot about it. I pulled up and the apartment was dark. I unlocked the door and for some reason had one of those fleeting thoughts "How freaky would it be if someone was in here?" I turned on the hall light... which I NEVER do. I was humming to myself and talked to Asa as I came in. "It's muggy as hell in here, let's open the window" I opened the bedroom window, pet asa, (all while talking to him in my high pitched kitty voice) and proceeded to the living room. I got about as far as the entryway when I saw Aaron sitting in the corner chair, in the dark... then he spoke "I LOOOOOOOVE YOUUUUUU!" I screamed I think loud enough to wake the dead. Then I dropped my bag and ran back to the bedroom. He laughed and apologized and I said "Goddamn Aaron! Do you know that's like my worst fear ever? Intruder in the house?" I was laughing ... and he kept apologizing. He felt so bad. He hugged me and asked if I was ok. I was pouting and smiled and said "yeah... butt nugget." I don't think he quite appreciated that, but my heart is STILL racing from that scare. :-)


When was the last time you laughed?

This morning at 5. Aaron was sleepy and responding with uh-huh's and I asked him if he liked Donkey Balls and he paused and said 'uh, no'... so he wasn't as out as I thought he was. :-)

Who was the last person you had an argument with?

Me? I never argue with anyone.

Who was the last person you emailed?

Probably Troy to make sure we were still on for last night.

When was the last time you bathed?

This morning, Nosy Parker.

What was the last thing you ate?

Honey nut cheerios with banana and fat free milk thankyouverymuch.

My favorite picture of Aaron


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