Wednesday, January 22, 2003

CRACKING UP

I think I'm going crazy.... I'm serious. I am so hungry right now, I could actually start crying. Why am I so hungry you ask? Because the only thing I can barely tolerate eating is ice cream, and the thought of eating ice cream AGAIN makes me
A. want to vomit,
B. gives me an even deeper complex about weight gain, and
C. makes me want to cry even more... I haven't eaten a solid food since saturday; and it killed me then, so even as I sit here contemplating whether or not to go to arby's and get a beef n cheddar sandwich... hold the beef (but the bread is soft and would be softer with the hot cheese on it...) but that raises some other concerns... I can barely ... BARELY brush my teeth as it is; and just became able to that last night... I'm not telling you how many days I had to forgo that luxury... so not only am I petrified I have done even more damage to my already shitty teeth... the thought of eating something that requires chewing ... scares the hell out of me, because as tender as my gums are I can't properly brush my teeth...so if one tiny piece of bread gets caught between two molars in the back... I can't use floss or a toothpick (are you frickin crazy?!) or even my toothbrush to get it out, so it'll sit there, and cause a cavity... so either way you look at this situation, I'm fucked. Oh yeah, another reason I don't want and more freakin ice cream... it's not filling. AT ALL. My stomach HAS TO HAVE SHRUNK... I am not eating a lot of it anyway, and what I do it is typically low cal, low fat... though I have had a frosty or two since this ordeal began.... but the point is, I'm afraid to eat much of it, because the last thing my fragile state of mind could take is weight gain at this point in time... and since I'm not eating alot of it, and it's not filling... I'm hungry just about all the fucking time. except for the hour or two after consumption when I seem to be ok... as it is, I have school tonight and I am trying to hold off on eating ANYTHING until right before I go, because it's so quiet in there and I will die if my stomach starts growling like the bitch that it is.

I also attribute the debilitation of my mind to the fact that I am worried that my teeth are getting worse, and since my gums are so enflamed and swollen, and my dear mother keeps asking me if any of them are loose... I am freaked that they are going to fall out. I don't think this is an unjustified worry, because I asked my doctor if there was a chance of that, and she said "well let's hope we don't have to worry about that, but I want you to keep a close eye on them." THAT'S FUCKING MARVELOUS. At this particular point... I would give just about anythign to feel better... seriously... I know I'm getting a little better, because I can now tolerate drinking water... the colder the better though.

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