Friday, June 21, 2002

BITTER, BITTER 2 BY 4

Man, I am feeling really mean and vengeful right now. I am hesitating to say about what, simply because I am also feeling sad and wish that I could fix what is wrong. But at the same time, I just want to spit out the words that are on the tip of my tongue, and post unflattering pic after unflattering pic of the offenders.

I hate feeling disposable. That's what it boils down to. I am fighting off the anger and resentment, because I think there is a good chance that everything could be cleared up. That or I am sadly mistaken, and pathetic and my friendships matter more to me than to my counterparts. I don't want to think that, but how can I not?

I am angry. I am angry because I am being shut out and I don't like it. I am angry because I am hanging on to a remote possibility that things can heal and grow and move on after they've been neglected and then ripped open, and left to bleed. I am angry because I know that I am not the only one who cares... but that either pride or fear or simple weariness is standing in the way of resolve. But I am also fearful... fearful that my vengeful side will win and I will ruin my chances... I don't fight for every friendship. SOME PEOPLE JUST AREN'T WORTH MY TIME. But some ARE, and unfortunately I fear the other parties do not feel the same. Do I need to just wake up and smell the rejection? Or should I nurse the hope that it'll all be fine?

I should also mention, that this is a direct result of honesty... honesty I felt was long overdue, and put nicely at that. Whoever said 'Honesty is the best policy' is full of shit. That or I am a really shitty judge of character.

***Edited to say HAPPY 25TH B-DAY TO JESSICA B.! I hope it was a good one girl:-)

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