Wednesday, October 31, 2001

CRACKING UP

I am dying here; David Spade is on Howard Stern this morning, (for anyone who doesn't know me that well; David Spade is my all time favorite comedian) and they were talking about std's, David Spade said he had crabs in high school (said he got it from a payphone), then he said that having crabs was the closest he'd ever come to having an entourage. I was cracking up.

I went shopping for christmas stuff last night; stocking stuffers mostly; got almost all of holly's done, some stuff for mom's and one thing for dads. Was kinda happy to get that done. Am still contemplating what i'm buying everyone.

I am totally hooked on this game on yahoo! actually it's in yahooligans, it's called word racer. The other day I must've sat online and played it for about 4 hours continually. It's kind of like boggle; and usually I kick ass at it; but these people are pros... It's about speed too; sometimes it takes a while to see the words,and ... why am I rambling on about this?? Well, maybe I'll check in later; gotta jam, gonna do some more research; adios!

Monday, October 29, 2001

BLADDY BLADDY BLADDY

I apologize to the 2-3 of you who actually read this page :-) I have been doing a piss poor job of updating it and keeping things current. Ever since Grandma died, I just haven't felt like it. You may also notice that her memorial still has a link on this site, but does not open directly there when you type in allisonruth.com, I felt it was time to retire it. The link will continue to stay up; as long as this website is up; it will be too. Her birthday is this coming Saturday. She would have been 79, it's still hard to believe she's gone. My mom ordered some 8x10's of grandpa and grandma. They had portraits taken a month or so before she passed away. The photo sits on my entertainment center, and sometimes I light a candle next to it. I love that picture, because the look on grandma's face is totally her... that's the smile I remember, she looks relaxed. Holidays are going to be hard this year.

New york... well, I'm intent on going to NYC in 2003. I am trying to start mapping out where I want to go; and what I want to do there. I am saving saving saving like mad for that trip. I wish I could spend a summer over there; would love to go down to dc as well; but I don't think I'll have time. I am planning on a two week trip. That should allot enough time to see the city I think. I'm hoping my mom will come with me, hopefully dad will be better enough to take care of himself with help by then.

November 10th... yes, I am psyched. I am praying that it's a hit, and that we will have a good ol' time. no pressure!

BOSTON PUBLIC IS ON TONIGHT!!! I am a total tv fanatic, and my favorite show is back on tonight! woo hoo! Then next tuesday, the 6th, nypd blue comes back. Dad and I will be in heaven.

well, hope you are well; I gotta jam, but I'll be checkin back in.

Thursday, October 25, 2001

ENOUGH!

Man, I am so sick of this new wave of dating-reality tv. In particular, the shows I hate the most are where it's more than two people together; ie: elimidate, dismissed, the fifth wheel... not to mention the other seedy ones... temptation island, love cruise... I hate those shows!!!!!!!! I do like blind date though. I do, that show cracks me up.

Monday, October 22, 2001

PLANS

I have been knee deep in the planning of the benefit on Nov. 10th. I am really excited about it and can't wait... I'm just praying for a decent turnout.

All of this anthrax stuff scares the hell out of me... seriously, especially the inhaled kind. I know I am not very much at risk; but still, it's so frightening.

Well, grandma will have been gone one month tommorrow... time flies I guess. It's still not real.

Sunday, October 14, 2001

BLOWS

Well, it's Sunday afternoon, I have spent my day doing laundry and feeling shitty; I went out last night, and I think I feel worse from all of the second hand smoke I inhaled; rather than the few cocktails I had. I cleaned my room as well; am feeling better about that. I was watching bravo today; channel 66 here; they had their 100th guest celebration for inside the actors studio; and then they paid tribute to Jack Lemmon, which reminded my that my Grandma is dead, and I have been fighting back tears since. I'm a big fan of denial; I've been vacationing there for what seems like a few weeks now. I miss grandma. so much.

You ever get to the point where crying seems futile? I am having a bad day anyway; I just want to go to sleep. And perhaps wake up as someone else.. that'd be nice.

If you are reading this; I apologize for the dark undertones, but I hope I'll see you on November 10th!

Friday, October 05, 2001

SLAPPED

What I'm learning about grief is that not only does it suck; but it sucker punches you as well. I've been having good days in the last week; meaning, I haven't really been crying, I've been able to keep Grandma's death at arm's length, and I've been able to pretend that life is normal. Then this morning, I read an email someone wrote about my grandma, and I burst into tears; without warning. The rest of the day has gone down hill, I just can't believe she's gone... it hurts; it physically fucking hurts.

Wednesday, October 03, 2001

LIFE SUCKS

Sunday, September 23rd, was the last day of my Grandma's life. She'd been in the hospital 24 days, with a nasty bout of pancreatitis and eventually chemical peritonitis. Both of those led to other nasty complications.... it was horrible, and hard to watch. I pray for the memory to be wiped from my memory, but I have had no luck thus far. The entire time Grandma was in the hospital, we would go out and visit almost every day; there were only one or two times we were unable to make it out to Auburn to visit. She drifted in and out of consciousness during her hospital stay. The last conversation I had with Grandma took place on September 9th. I won't tell the grisly details of her illness... but I have to be thankful she isn't suffering anymore. At least that's what I try to tell myself. I know she's in a better place, and that's comforting to a point, but I still miss her; more than I thought possible. I want her to call, and I want to see her come walking down the hallway at her house... I want to see Grandpa smile, without the sadness in his eyes.

On Saturday, the 22nd of September, we were told that with life support, Grandma had a 1% chance of recovery. Mom and Aunt Dana and Grandpa elected to take Grandma off of life support, and she would be given versed and morphine to help her rest comfortably, and pass quietly. We were all at the Hospital, Mom, dad, Lori and I, as well as Grandpa, Aunt Dana, Lyle, the girls, and Geary. When we went back into the room after they took all of the tubes out of Grandma's nose and mouth, it was so hard, we were all crying and trying to remain calm. She was awake, but didn't focus on anything or acknowledge our presence. That evening, we all elected to stay the night at the hospital. The nurses had predicted that Grandma would pass quickly, but she continued to fight, and no-one felt comfortable leaving at that point.

The stress and emotion of the day had manifested itself into fits of giggles among my sister and I; which quickly transferred to our cousin Geary, and our friend Ashley who was there for support. We spend several hours trading stories and giggling in the hospital hallway. Around 1am we went shopping for tooth brushes and donuts, driving around downtown auburn (which is a rather small area) for over an hour, finally claiming our prize at the all night donut shop. (It had been closed the first time we passed it, but opened between 1:30 am and 2, when we were on our way back to the hospital.) We then camped out on the first floor waiting room, playing cards, drinking warm pepsi and laughing till our heads hurt. We managed to sleep for an hour or two and then all trudged groggily upstairs around 6am Sunday. Lori and I went home to shower and clean up; I was sick all day long, probably from nerves. We took mom home around lunch time, and didn't plan to go back until Monday evening. The doctor said it could be a few days; he didn't realize how well Grandma would do off of life support.

Mom decided to go back to the hospital that afternoon, and Lori and I were summoned around 8pm. Grandma had taken a turn for the worse, we arrived around 8:30, Geary arrived about 45 minutes later. Grandma and Grandpa's minister came and prayed with us around Grandma's bed. We cried, and then told stories, cried some more, laughed at jokes... finally grandpa couldn't take it any more, he hadn't slept in two days, he went upstairs to the hospitality room to take a nap. We continued talking and trying to ignore the reason we were there, when mom said; "oh my God." Grandma's heartrate slipped to 30, then flatlined. Lori ran out of the room to get grandpa. Grandma's heart rate went up again, and flatlined again, and did this 2 or 3 more times. Then she was gone. Mom thinks she waited for Grandpa to leave the room. He arrived about 2 minutes after she was gone. We eventually made our way back to grandma's house, (lori, geary and I) and just sat in the living room, silent. What could we say? None of us wanted to be there without Grandma ... we stayed the night, and when Grandpa and mom and Aunt Dana returned, we discussed the plans for the next day, and had a drink. No-one knew what to say, Grandpa held his drink up and said "Well, here's to Evelyn." We were all numb... in shock... that's how the next few days would go as well. The day of her memorial service, I was doing remarkably well. I hadn't cried all day, and was feeling confident. When I walked up to the podium to speak at the service, I was ok; then as I looked at the congregation, I felt like I had been punched in the stomach. I blubbered my way through the small speech I had prepared, and that night sat in our living room looking at the flowers, and cried for what seemed like eternity.

We've been going out to Grandma and Grandpa's house every day since she passed, and it's so hard. We went through her stuff, taking memento's and packing stuff up for the goodwill... trying to make life easier for Grandpa. We make small talk and try to keep things light, keeping the real reason we are there at arm's length... until one of us acknowledges it, and sends the room into tears. The truth is, I'm ok as long as I don't acknowledge that she's gone. I look at her pictures, and it's ok... but the moment I think of how I'll never hear her voice again, or how she won't be at my wedding, or how she'll never see my children, it hits like a hard slap. I miss her so much, it hurts; my heart is heavy... and I can't shake this sadness. I hate it.