Thursday, May 31, 2001

Sometimes I wish I was more daring. Not as "God fearing" and law abiding. I am so angry right now; I could spit. Literally... I could do lots of things, but none that are productive nor marks of a good citizen. Dad and mom went outside the other day, to indulge in the good weather, and let dad get some speed on his wheelchair.

Before I go any further, a little history is needed... about a month or so before dad's stroke, one of our neighbors, an ass by the name of Patrick (who we'd always been friendly with mind you,) started threatening dad... making his presence an uncomfortable one... and generally scaring the crap out of our family. We even called the cops so it would be on record that dad was being harassed; dad was really bothered by this; it occupied his thoughts daily... and I BELIEVE it was a contributing factor in dad's stroke. Yeah, the homocysteine levels were a major factor, but stress was also involved... and this was really stressing dad out. Anyway, right after dad got sick, and was basically for all intense purposes... comatose, I was intent on revenge... not knowing if dad would ever get better; not knowing the extent of the damage of the stroke... the thought that Patrick was possibly responsible for the stroke...was infuriating. What was worse, was if dad didn't get better, his last few weeks of life were dominated by this idiot's intent on making life hell. I eventually let the whole revenge thing go. I must admit though, a few weeks ago, as I was pulling into the driveway at home... (for those of you who are not familiar with the layout; the driveway is a dead end, on a hill; and it's a fairly good size.) I saw Patrick standing in the middle of the driveway about halfway up the hill, he was talking to another neighbor in their car... I saw my chance and I took it. I floored the gas, and raced by him (my car was less than two feet away from his body) and watched the fear and surprise overtake his face. I must've gone by him at 35 miles an hour at least; which yeah, isn't all that fast, but in the parking lot you don't go more than 5 or 10... I had to slam on the brakes as I turned the corner into my parking space, and felt a rush of satisfaction... mom however (in the passenger seat) was NOT pleased. I didn't care. I don't care. I realize the hate I have for this person is unhealthy... and that the stroke probably isn't his fault... but it helps to have a physical thing to be angry at. Hating the stroke and what it's done to us is fine and dandy... but has no physical presence. Hating Patrick gives me the presence and ... it's different...

Anyway, back to the story, mom and dad are outside, having fun... dad was racing all over the parking lot, and mom all of a sudden looks over and sees him talking to ... you guessed it, Patrick. She didn't go over there, not trusting her words... she waited and watched. They apparently had a nice conversation and seem to have buried the hatchet. That's great, whatever.... BUT when I heard what that moron said to my dad, all the anger and vengeful feelings came rushing back. He said "Hey there, here I was ready to kick your ass and you go and have a stroke... what's up with that?" Dad just looked at him and said "I guess the stroke took care of it for you". I was so MAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I AM STILL MAD!!!!!!!!!!!! First of all, the nerve... the absolute nerve of this bastard (pardon my french) to say such a thing to SOMEONE IN A FREAKING WHEELCHAIR just FLOORS ME. When dad told me I yelled at him... I told him he didn't have to take crap from anyone, least of all that moron. Dad just shrugged his shoulders, and I guess maybe he felt intimidated by his presence or something... dad said there was no point in being mad; we all have to live there, might as well get along. No, NO... I will not be civil to him... I cannot. I told dad that he should have told him to kick his ass now, what was stopping him? God knows, this guy is not of any moral standard... why should dad (and us) forgive him? Just because dad had a stroke? That doesn't make him any less of the human garbage he is. When I spoke to Lori (my sister) about the incident, she was livid as well, and told me he was lucky she wasn't out there. She said if she ever saw him out there again, she'll tell him to just stay away from our family, and don't talk to any of us... we want nothing to do with him. I am just so mad about what he said... it's like he is still bullying dad. Like he had to twist the knife he put in dad's back a year ago. What the hell? I don't know if I'm more mad at Patrick for saying it or dad for taking it. Lori and I both told dad, just because you are in a wheelchair doesn't mean you have to take anyones crap... if anything you should be exempt... It is times like these when I do wish I had more guts. Guts to make him realize that he messed with the wrong family... but what can I do? Nothing... because that would bring me down to his slimy level, and I know I'm above it. I wish I wasn't but I am... it's a measure of class I guess... it has to be, I must have some because he truly has none.

Tuesday, May 29, 2001

Well, the camping trip was ... semi-successful. Incidentally; I was reading through the last entry; those four mini propane tanks... they were useless considering my lantern takes FUEL. I was so pissed... there goes 8 bucks! Troy and I had a great time friday and saturday. By sunday morning... we were ready to go home. The bugs were horrid there; expecially the gnats and caterpillers (did I spell that wrong?) Sunday morning; I got up; after the second night of getting an hours sleep or so, (I couldn't get comfy!) and walked up to the bathrooms. I was not feeling so good; getting a cold, and I was feeling disgustingly filthy. So, I put my quarter in the machine and took a shower... emerging wondering if I felt cleaner at all; the stall was grody, I was wearing sandals, there was ... stuff on the side of the wall, and bugs flying around me... I feel as though I know what it's like to shower in prison. Troy had no problem leaving a day early. We thoroughly enjoyed our time there the first two days, but were glad to get home.

Incidentally, I found out this morning; that I am getting 25 bucks for speaking at the college last week. (right on!) 25 bucks is 25 bucks! (am I a little too happy about this?)

I was having ice cream with a friend yesterday; and I was struck at how different our lives have become in one year. One year ago, she was living with her mother and her 7 year old son, working with me at the daycare... neither one of us were dating anyone, neither one of us really had much going on. She is now living with her fiancee, getting ready to move into a house, and is expecting a little girl this fall. She is working for King County, and is happier than I have ever seen her. My life has also changed; not in the way that hers has obviously, but I am dealing with my own set of challenges... and it's wierd to think where I might be this time next year. In my particular situation, I wish I would have taken school more seriously; as now it's a bit harder for me to drop everything and go to school... carpe diem... it's all about seizing the day. But noone figures that out until it's too late.

Wednesday, May 23, 2001

Wednesday.... Wednesday... Wednesday... Finally, you are here. I cannot WAIT to get my ass out of town this weekend! I am going to go home tonight and pack all my stuff, then tommorrow, I am going to head over to Troy's and load all of his stuff into the car; then friday morning I'll readjust the car, and head off to work... from there I'll leave at noon to go CAMPING!!!!!!!! (Can you tell I'm excited about this???) I'm going to learn how to work the lantern tonight; I bought 4 mini propane tanks for it; I'm hoping that they will be enough; I should hope they would be. I haven't ever used the tent I got for my birthday last year; It's a big one, that has a small tunnel like thing that attaches to a smaller tent. It's pretty cool.
I gave my speech last night; I was not bad if I do say so myself. :-) I wasn't as nervous about speaking in front of people (who am I kidding) as I was about doing a good job. Turns out I didn't even use the notebook; just let myself ramble on for an hour; but I think I did an ok job; I felt like I was all over the board; no matter how hard I tried to go in chronological order... but that's ok; it was my first time doing this; If I decide to do it again, I'll know what to change.
ATTENTION LADIES*ATTENTION LADIES* ATTENTION LADIES* ATTENTION LADIES* ATTENTION LADIES* ATTENTION LADIES*
I am a big product junkie when it comes to makeup. I have found (I swear) the best lipstick I've ever used. It's called Lipfinity by max factor. It promises to stay on all day; I tried it; not expecting much (I'm not a cynic! honest!) but IT DID stay on ALL DAY! In fact, it was a little hard to take off; but I don't mind that, and you don't really get that line of gunk on the inside of your lips. you paint the color on, then you use a gloss over it. Periodically I use the gloss throughout the day, to moisten my lips; because they do get kinda dry... but I drink water and eat lunch, and the color looks great. I just use the gloss, and I'm ready to go. It's a little pricey at 10 bucks a pop; or maybe I'm a cheapskate; I don't know. But I will definitely be buying more colors (I am wearing "spiritual" right now.. .kind of a pinky brown) anyhoo, that's enough free advertising (But is IS a great product) oh, and one more thing, that new wings double disk set... hits and history... AWESOME! If you are into 70's music like me, check out the joe dirt soundtrack; it's an awesome one. (my favorite track is joe walsh-rocky mountain way) Anyhoo, that's all for now, have a great day! (and a great weekend if I don't check back in!)

Monday, May 21, 2001

Wow, what a weekend, I didn't do much friday or saturday; rented some movies... vegged out. (Incidentally, pay it forward is definitely a great movie!) Then, on Sunday... my dad's side of the family was holding a barbecue at my grandma's house. My cousin, who we haven't seen in about 9 years or so, was out here visiting from the east coast. Not only was the weather perfect for such an occasion, but everyone was so relaxed, and happy. It was the first time also, that my Grandpa and Grandma have been together in the same place, and really have been friendly to each other. my dad was so happy... It was just a great day to visit with everyone, and reconnect. It was also cool because there were four generations present. We took a family picture; trying to fit in 30+ people in a shot was no easy feat. The only thing that could've made it better was if my favorite aunt and uncle could have been there; but they were out of town. It was truly a great day.

Friday, May 18, 2001

Thank God It's Friday! What a week. I've been battling a sore throat all week, and yesterday morning I woke up; and my throat was (ewww) bleeding. I went to the emergency room; intent on getting some medicine; but God Forbid they prescribe antibiotics anymore. But I did get some awesome cough syrup; which left me having some really groovy dreams last night... Well, speech day is about 4 days away; and I am not as prepared as I would like to be; I haven't gone through it a full time yet; hopefully I'll make time for that this weekend. Life at home has been surprisingly calm this week...(quite a rarity) anyhoo; I'm off to drink some chicken broth... have a great weekend!

Wednesday, May 16, 2001

Hey gang, well I finished my speech yesterday; and it actually might be a tad long... but I tend to talk fast; so it should be fine. Last weekend I had a BLAST!!! I went down to Doc Maynards with some friends for a birthday party. The Beatnik's were playing there, and let me tell you... THEY ARE AWESOME!!!! (Especially the drummer!) Ok, enough drooling... it was a great time though, and I would definitely recommend them to anyone who wants to hear great live music. They play everything from the Beatles to Nirvana... and they do it well.

Thursday, May 10, 2001

Well, I have had "one of those days"... I still haven't done jack on my speech; I keep saying tommorrow... It's crunch time. I spent most of my morning frustrated and stressed out because my computer was being a jerk; tech support as usual for AOL was of no help. I then went on my lunch break and cleaned out my car; and cruised around listening to an old Spice Girls tape and I am in an amazingly happy state of mind again. One year ago yesterday I left the daycare after 7 long years. I miss working with my old class; I miss them more than I ever thought I would... Part of me would love to go back to that kind of an environment; but I don't think I could take it if I left again, I remember for a couple days after I left; when I would get home from my 11-12 hour days; I would sit in my car and just cry; I missed those kids that much. I grew to like my last job though; and even at first during the really rough spots; when I'd seriously question the reason I was working at a job that made me miserable... there was something about my coworkers that kept me there. There's something about being on the road with a group of strangers that can turn you into family first before friends... Not to say that it wasn't a dysfunctional familial relationship; but the good memories heavily outweigh the bad. I am struck as I sit here thinking of them, by an overwhelming feeling of nostalgia... It was a summer job; and afterwards we all went our seperate ways... I still talk to some of those guys via email... but it's not the same. It can't be. We were together from 7 in the morning till 7 or 8 at night working, and then we'd go get dinner and go out... It's a strange relationship; but I would do it again in a heartbeat... because as those people at times were the thorns in my side; and my biggest enemies... they were also at times my confidants and my best friends. I thank God that they were there when I needed them.
Well, I have had "one of those days"... I still haven't done jack on my speech; I keep saying tommorrow... It's crunch time. I spent most of my morning frustrated and stressed out because my computer was being a jerk; tech support as usual for AOL was of no help. I then went on my lunch break and cleaned out my car; and cruised around listening to an old Spice Girls tape and I am in an amazingly happy state of mind again. One year ago yesterday I left the daycare after 7 long years. I miss working with my old class; I miss them more than I ever thought I would... Part of me would love to go back to that kind of an environment; but I don't think I could take it if I left again, I remember for a couple days after I left; when I would get home from my 11-12 hour days; I would sit in my car and just cry; I missed those kids that much. I grew to like my last job though; and even at first during the really rough spots; when I'd seriously question the reason I was working at a job that made me miserable... there was something about my coworkers that kept me there. There's something about being on the road with a group of strangers that can turn you into family first before friends... Not to say that it wasn't a dysfunctional familial relationship; but the good memories heavily outweigh the bad. I am struck as I sit here thinking of them, by an overwhelming feeling of nostalgia... It was a summer job; and afterwards we all went our seperate ways... I still talk to some of those guys via email... but it's not the same. It can't be. We were together from 7 in the morning till 7 or 8 at night working, and then we'd go get dinner and go out... It's a strange relationship; but I would do it again in a heartbeat... because as those people at times were the thorns in my side; and my biggest enemies... they were also at times my confidants and my best friends. I thank God that they were there when I needed them.

Thursday, May 03, 2001

Well, I realized that I am actually slated to speak at that psych class on May 22 and not May 28th; so panic and fear are seizing me right now; more because I am realizing this is a reality... a 50 minute speech.... I think I'm going to pass out. If anyone has any decent public speaking advice; I would be much obliged... and none of that "picture everyone naked" crap... THIS IS A REAL EMERGENCY!

Tuesday, May 01, 2001

Ok, here's a mortifying story for anyone who enjoys humor at the expense of others.... yesterday morning I was at Starbucks. I was purchasing a gift certificate for a co-worker's birthday, and the lady at the counter; who by the way resembled the older woman in "there's something about Mary" (overly tan and pastel makeup; platinum hair...)anyhoo, she notices my keychain picture of me and my friend Jessy, (same age as me), her son andrew (3) and Troy (same age as me). She says "what a cute picture, is that your daughter?" I thought she was referring to Andrew; who troy was holding; Jessy and I are in the front of the pic with our arms over each other's shoulders. I said "no, that's my godson;" she goes "No, the girl next to you". Immediately I'm like ..."what the hell? she's 2 months younger than me" I didn't say this of course because I am totally and utterly mortified at this point; instead I grab my keys and curtly say "no" and left. Then the rest of the day I am plagued by the thought that I could actually look old enough to have... birthed someone my same age... so, as a 24 year old... albeit an age 40 looking 24 year old; I think the rest of the day went ok... despite the spiraling into an abyss of self hate... but anyhoo...